Take the Chance: 5 Strategies for taming the Hesitation Habit!

78% effort instead of 85%; dialing a number and disconnecting just before it rings at the other end; almost raising your hand to make a point or ask a query in a meeting or discussion; nearly expressing one’s true feelings, but holding back at the nth moment; feeling quite pumped up at the thought of going to the gym, but deciding against it after almost opening the main door of your home.

Most of us do these, don't we? Those little and not-so-little acts of hesitation, of holding back, of steps almost taken, actions left half-done, thoughts never expressed in the open, words that only got almost uttered!

Not that there’s anything unusual about it. It is perhaps a good idea at times, that not every word gets air-time, and not every action is taken to its supposed conclusion. The trouble is when hesitation is accompanied by regret, and a lot of it actually. That’s often the case, when too many opportunities get passed over. We’re waiting for the right moment, the right environment, and for the perfect feeling of readiness…

When allowed to become an entrenched habit, such patterns of hesitation can lead to stress, and a lot of anger. In fact anger can sometimes be a convenient cover for a deeply ingrained and gut-wrenching sense of frustration, guilt and even inadequacy. Intoxicant abuse, excessive vices and to a lesser extent even things like retail therapy may help you put a tight lid over some of these feelings, but at a huge cost.

Most of us want to experience authentic happiness and fulfillment in our lives. For that to happen, it is important that we at least get a better understanding of our patterns of hesitation. And then see if there’s something we want to do about it. Pretending that there’s nothing to bother about, or imagining nothing can be done about it, may not be a wise strategy in the long run.

In this article, let’s look at five ways to observe, decode and work with, and work around our hesitation.

Observe: Obvious & Hidden Hesitation Patterns

As you may have noticed, these are often habits that have been with us for a long time. They may have become part of our auto-programmed responses to situations. We may not even realize that!

Start by taking stock of these patterns at a high level, across different areas of life. Look at the last 6 months, then the last two years, last five years and so on… Look at the decisions and actions that you take in day-to-day life. It could be your interactions with family, decisions and actions related to your work-life, your interactions with friends, your spending habits, how you choose to relax and unwind… How do you make your decisions and choices in these areas? To what extent do you go after what you want.

How often do you hold yourself back? Are there instances when you set aside your likes, preferences and choices? Do you feel the need to compromise, and not “rock the boat”? Do you sometimes hesitate to take certain actions, or say something that’s on your mind?  Do you experience unpleasant feelings, while doing this, or later? May be regret, fear, embarrassment, anger, or even guilt at not pushing for what you truly want.

Does it happen that some of these have become so common that you don't even notice them? Across all areas in your life put together, if you were to give a score out of 100 to the following question (in italics), what score will you give? 100 being complete agreement with the question.

To what extent are you able to do what you think is the right way?

Further, reflect on these questions too:

• What broad patterns do you see about yourself?
• What have been the consequences of this holding back, in different areas of life?
• What three changes would you like to see, going forward?

Jot down the points that come to your mind, and keep reading!

The Worst Case & Not Quite there, yet!

In the previous section, we did a general reflection on your hesitation patterns. Now, let’s get into specific areas. Pick any specific area in your life where you see this habit is pretty well entrenched. For example, you aren't asserting yourself enough in a close relationship. Or, there’s something at work that you are unhappy about. You’ve have raised the concerns, but haven’t articulated them strongly enough.

Maybe, you are unsure of the outcome and don't want things to backfire. Some of these fears may very well be valid. It is good to examine this in a clinically detached manner and define what exactly are these worst scenarios that you’d rather avoid. See if you can do this after practicing some relaxation methods that you like. So that you can gather the issues, facts and dependencies, and get a clear picture.

Note down your insights on paper. Write down the basis for your assumptions. State what is known, and explicitly write down what is not yet established as fact. There is a situation that’s waiting for a solution and outcome(s) that you actually want. 

• Six months from now, when you look back at this situation, what outcome will you be most happy about?
• What resources can  take you from the situation to the solution?
• If you don't know the answer, where can you look? Who can help?

Spend as much time as possible on these questions. Sometimes, the best choice is to bring these demons out into the open. These worst case scenarios may seem very scary in the dark. Examine them in broad daylight, and see what happens! 

What you’re after: The Motivation thing

So, you have started taming the demons alright! But, even after reasonably figuring out the way forward, sometimes, we still chicken out at that most critical time! When you notice this happening, ask yourself what is the underlying motivation that is driving you vis-a-vis this outcome. How badly do you want that outcome? If you don't get it, will you experience disappointment? If yes, to what extent? On a scale of 1 to 10, will it be  8+ level of disappointment, or below? Maybe around 4-6? Or even lesser?

Have you given yourself a score below 7? It is time to examine and define the outcome you're working towards, with more clarity.

• What more can go into it that can raise the stakes? 
• More importantly, are you deliberately setting the bar lower, to avoid greater disappointment?
• If you raise the bar, what will need to change?

The Holding Operation: Holding on to?

You have raised your stakes, even confronted some of your fears and nightmares. Logically, all of this makes perfect sense. You’re almost there, but not quite there when it comes to persisting with the actions needed. What could be going wrong now? 

This is the time to ask:  

• What am I holding on to, in spite of the unpleasant outcomes?
• What am I scared of letting go?

A hint: Sometimes, we still want to stick to the zone of fake comfort and fake security. Maybe, someone won’t like you if you change the status quo drastically. Perhaps you’ll be labeled self-centered, or even reckless. But that alone isn't the point. Go one layer below, or even further. What thoughts do you notice? Write them down, in great detail.

Soon, you may realize that the problem is not with them, actually! Somewhere, it is your own make-believe world of calm and order that is being threatened. You know pretty well that this order is as fake as fake can be. But, it is “safer” to continue with the pretense. Even if that entails discomfort and worse…

As you keep moving forward, what would you like to take along?

Breaking the Pattern & Moving forward

The previous section can be particularly hard when you’re trying to break patterns that have become too hard-wired. It is important that you put in careful thought into the process. Some pain is inevitable. You can of course stick to a policy of no-change. In that case also, it is important to cushion the impact. Because, now you are aware! Till now, maybe retail therapy and intoxicants may have helped. They may not be that effective from hereon. Whatever you choose, you’ll need to actively work with some pattern or the other, so that you can move forward.

Three tips are given below.

Routines to Re-Wire your Brain

Some of these changes will need time, and a proper plan too. When you’re working against hard-wired patterns, there will be moments of self-doubt and fear. Taking small and consistent steps can be helpful. If needed, enlist the support of a friend for that extra pep talk. Plan these consistent steps to be done over and over again till they become the new normal for your brain. I’d also recommend processes like mindfulness, visualization and deep relaxation. They will help to keep you fully anchored in the process.

Compassion to self and others!

Don’t be in a hurry to get it all sorted at one go. It is important to have compassion towards yourself. Not everyone is going to be supportive with this change. People may resist some of your changes. Don't label them as your enemies. At least in your mind, look at them with some understanding. Maybe you’re pushing them out of their comfort zone. Perhaps, that “tough” exterior they’ve been displaying all along is just a facade. Is there some way to assuage a few of their concerns at least? Some actions that can even indirectly reduce their “threat perception”? 

Celebrate each movement & Learn

You’ve shown remarkable grit by taking this hesitation bull by its horns. Tick Celebrate! You were open enough to examine your patterns good and bad, and even those underlying fears and discomfort. Tick Celebrate! You didn’t flinch when the time came to ask yourself how motivated you really were. Tick Celebrate! And then, to bravely look in the mirror and acknowledge that maybe you weren't letting the change happen, and were strangely holding on to some things that made no sense. And not just that, you were ready to install routines that make it possible to break the hesitation one habit at a time, and to rewire your brain in the process. Tick Celebrate! Every move forward is worth cherishing. Every setback is an opportunity to learn and improve. 

Don’t hesitate to celebrate!

Grabbing the Second Chance, NOW!

Some people who’ve had near death experiences recall crystal clear visions that occurred to them in an instant. People talk about seeing an all encompassing view of their entire life, with amazing insights into unresolved conflicts, mistakes, the pain they caused to others, the choices, the regrets, the “resolutions” and “conclusions”, the missed opportunities, even the quiet dignity of people they often thought weren't worth their attention…  A flash of understanding that’s so profound, and with an unmistakable element of certainty. Certainty that time’s up, and there’s nothing you can do about these anymore. Until now, it was something that happened to others. Now, it’s my turn, and this is what I see, before the darkness engulfs me totally, perhaps! All of it packed into that split second of awareness that seems to be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. In the classic book “The Tibetan book of Living and Dying”, Sogyal Rimpoche writes at length about this. Specifically, he highlights how so many of us are totally unprepared for the most certain aspect of life, death!

And how’s it like, to then miraculously turn back from what seemed like a complete full stop? To suddenly realize that perhaps here’s a second chance to take a look at what emerged from that understanding? That even as everything around seemingly stays exactly as it were, a few insights emerge that can completely change the course of your life.

It doesn't necessarily have to be about coming face-to-face with being dead and gone alone! Relationship failures, loss of jobs, a massive health scare… so many of life’s cataclysmic upheavals can lead to a catharsis that’s equally revealing, and potentially transforming. Maybe, it’s true this happens because your hand is forced so suddenly, rudely and unexpectedly. “Don't fix it if it ain’t broke” might have worked well for you all this while. What seemed like a safe space, an equilibrium of sorts in your mind, with assumptions, beliefs and attitudes, is suddenly disturbed big time.

Look around you, and observe how some people have picked up the pieces and went back to painstakingly script a change in direction, and not just revive their lives, but also add more meaning to it. Of course, they deserve all the applause that’s coming their way. The more important point is, why wait?

If such a re-scripting is possible even in the midst of extreme chaos, what prevents us from connecting to the same understanding at other, “normal”, “quieter” times? The School of Hard Knocks is always ready to serve up some lessons you hadn't anticipated! 

What stops you from defining that “Second Chance”, right now? What would you like to change now, so that you can get working on the second chance right away?

Maybe, life has been going according to certain set patterns all this while. And you’ve been diligently playing your part too. How does it sound, if you were to yourself disrupt this so-called calm, stability, and predictability (pleasant or otherwise!) in life on purpose, and see how far you can go?! Like a test drill of sorts. Instead of waiting for dire experiences, how about doing an early audit or QA check? To understand how well you can recover? And maybe even go further, and spot a few opportunities too, that can make it worth all the pain!

The exercise can be unsettling at times. But, let’s see how we can make it a bit easier!

Let’s look at three attitudes that can help you get going with this process. I call them attitudes rather than tools. It makes sense to give time, and allow these attitudes to grow on you. And over a period of time, you’ll develop your adaptability muscle too. And that’s a huge bonus for now!

Active Acceptance and Acknowledgement of Hard Facts

Alright, some of life’s sudden changes definitely do come totally unannounced. Not all, though! Signs, indications, hints, signals, gut feel… the terminology isn't the point. You do get to know, in advance that is!

Do we listen enough?

Or, do we allow the patterns of life, the pleasures, the frustrations, and numerous experiences and their interpretations to drown out these signals? Don't get startled. Nobody is asking you to embrace an ascetic life to tap into these questions. Actually, often there’s nothing deep about it! Some of the signals are so in-your-face, that you only need to stay awake! But, the openness to acknowledge these hard facts is vital, and that too with thoughtfulness. And that’s where my vote is for active acceptance. By active acceptance, the idea is to acknowledge the facts of the situation, but not to then wallow in self-pity and hopelessness. Rather, to find out ways to keep moving ahead for a different set of outcomes. By accepting the facts, you are not resigning to the status quo! You’re merely taking note. And conserving your energy for the change that is the only way out.

So, be it an impending crisis in your career, a wilting relationship, financial woes. or a ticking health-time-bomb…  Ignoring the signs can be extremely dangerous. Sure, that’s obvious. But why do we still get those “nasty” surprises?

The answer may lie in how well we are tuning and maintaining our “radar” for the signals. Getting lost in a life of “busyness” is the easiest way to get your radar reasonably fogged out! Spending at least a few minutes in contemplation and reflection on a daily basis can help. Making notes about your observations without “concluding”,  “resolving” and “labeling” them can also help. So that you don't cry wolf unnecessarily! 

The principles here are actually straightforward. You just need to develop a discipline to be able to tune in to this radar, and be forewarned when needed. And from then on, identify actions and changes that you can implement starting from wherever you are, at the moment.

Know the Image, the Bubble and Reality!

While processing the signs and signals, you can do yourself a big favour by resolving to travel light! Our modern urban lifestyle often puts us in a bubble of sorts. An entire lifetime can be spent in conforming to a certain image that we wish to project to others and ourselves. Nothing wrong with it as such.

But, when we take the image and the bubble as the full picture, it is easy to misread the signs and signals. It can be scary to look outside of the bubble. We may infer things that aren't fully grounded in reality. Maybe, develop a false sense of security. Or imagine that we have a vibrant support system, when the fact is that they (the denizens of this system) are living in their own bubbles and image traps! And in the end, it doesn't count for much, when you actually want to adapt to change.

Well, there is no one-size-fits-all solution for what you just read. You’ll have to figure out a way that works for you. The ability to prioritize and discard what isn't helping is critical. Your likes, dislikes and pet hates… that’s a good area to work on as well. Holding on to some of these can itself limit you in many ways. That’s why it helps to “travel light”!

Learning from others, and observing them can help to an extent. Authentic conversations with sorted folks can also give you access to information about what’s really happening. That could mean investing time and energy to develop a good social support system. A good social support system is one where people know each other at deeper levels.

• What is the overarching purpose that drives you?
• What are your long term goals and dreams?

A social support system where people care to find out the above and more is just what the doc ordered! Go for variety, and ensure you don't fill it with people like you. Sanitized group-think is the last thing you want!

Strengthening yourself

It’s true that many are unable to change the narrative easily, even when there is a decent support system. Presence of mind is what you need, so that you can free yourself from many not-so-helpful patterns. When you’ve already experienced successes in life, these patterns become even more hard-wired in your brain. And soon, a stage comes when it’s so temping to pretend that you can simply keep applying some formula you picked up a while back.

These patterns can limit our ability to cope with drastic change. What’s worse, we may get irrationally scared of even simple and inevitable change. Like the tendency to black-out the inevitability of death for instance, we may show up without any preparation, and then keep struggling! You can choose to regret or stay contented when change has run its course. That’s a choice you will get for sure! 

What can we do about it?

Identify the qualities, attributes, attitudes, skills, and values that will help you in taking charge of the change process. What needs to be discarded? Not in a slow and incremental manner, but in a positively disruptive fashion. Because, that’s often the only way to go for the kill!

These changes can’t happen overnight. It’s important to take a few actions in each area, in a consistent manner. And build up your reserves of strength over a period of time. Additional benefits may include greater resilience, a recalibration of priorities and an increasing sense of leading a life with more meaning.

Embrace these attitudes, and keep questioning the status quo whenever it feels  very comfy and cozy out here! That’s a clear signal that your level of readiness needs some reinforcing!

Observe and go with the Flow: 9 Habits to Build your Adaptability Muscle

Adaptability is a virtue that is vital for success, a sense of contentment and even for plain survival against tough odds in life. There can be no better teacher than nature when it comes to adaptability. Just look around and observe! We may call it by different terms and labels. But, the ability to sense changes and “adjust” accordingly is one of the finest qualities in life.

Not sure though, if adaptability is understood and appreciated enough. Especially in a dominant cultural milieu that celebrates valor, aggression, firm resolve, and the occasional streak of ruthlessness, all seen as vital for “achievement”. Perhaps we need to scratch beneath the surface of every “successful” outcome, and whatever led to it. That could give us a finer, nuanced understanding of the role played by adaptability in shaping many of those blockbuster moments of triumph.

It may just be that secret ingredient no valiant champion wants to share with you! They’d rather have you hooked on to the notion that it was some “superior” talent or extraordinary grit and effort that made it all possible. Mythology keeps everyone happy, for different reasons though!

As if lack of awareness and understanding wasn't bad enough. Unfortunately, we may have actually gone much further! By indirectly portraying adaptability and it’s variants as a “chink in the armor”, something perhaps meant for the “effete” and the faint-hearted ones, many have committed the blunder of ignoring a virtue that can actually make life much simpler. That’s what happens when myth-making, narrative-peddling and motivated label-creation go together. We effectively lose track of reality and perspective. The smart ones know better of course!

But, it doesn't have to be that way always, isn't it?

In this article, let us explore some of the qualities and skills that can help you raise the quality of adaptability in life. This is certainly not an exhaustive list!

Before we proceed, I suggest you jot down some answers and points for the following three questions:

• What are the three things in your life that you are absolutely confident will never happen?
• Think of two people in your life that you totally detest and hate. What will it be like to take some support and help from them at some stage in your life?
• What are the two things or values in life that you’ll never compromise on?

We’re not going to work through these answers right now. Just jot down your thoughts and leave it there, for now.

Coming back to the skills that I have shortlisted for this article. Okay, actually, I’ve changed my mind! I’ll only talk about one skill. And that’s it.

Your lesson on adaptability has just started!:

Keen sense of observation, with a twist!

Obviously, you need to be able to observe, analyze and predict possible scenarios that may throw up “unforeseen” challenges. But what are you going to observe? Let’s go for the “twist” in the title of this section! That’s the meaty part, actually. The idea is to look for what you’d normally not look at or see. Listen for what you’d normally not hear, things that aren't that “audible” to you. And also, develop a sense or a radar to feel feelings that are unfamiliar, to the point of being non-existent for you. Have I scrambled your brain beyond repair with this one paragraph? Good, that’s what you need for adaptability.

To put it simply, we’ve got to work on discarding some of the filters and blinkers we use, to make sense of what’s happening around us. That is the quality of observation that will actually help. It maybe pretty tough for many folks, especially the ones who think they’ve got it all sorted in life! For those who have seen a lot of “success” already. The blinkers and filters are now part of their cellular structure! A few pointers that may help are given below. And of course, these aren't coming with any money-back guarantee, please:

Change of Routine

Sometimes, we get so used to regimenting our lives with such perfection: everything is in its place, and there’s an overriding structure that determines most of our actions. It of course makes life organized, efficient and even simpler. But it also leads to certain “convenient” and “predictable” ways of not just thinking, but even observing.

Break this cycle, and embrace a change of routine once in a while. Take the stairs instead of the lift, watch the weather channel for two hours, wear a color you’ve never had in your wardrobe, send five emojis in each sentence… you get the drift. Allow your brain to get surprised, and jolted out of those set patterns. Now go back to the issue where you wanted a fresh perspective. Or an issue where you think there’s nothing more to know. It’s all clear.

Keep observing without concluding and sorting out instantly.

  

Change of Place

In some ways, this is a variant of the first. I’d still want to emphasize this as a separate point. Sit in a different desk maybe, take a walk and sit in the park-bench, work from a different location, sleep in the guest room for a few days… Go ahead and define “change of place”. Again, it is a nice little way to gain a different perspective.

And most important point. Remember what I said about “no money-back guarantees”? So, don’t sit under the apple tree waiting for the apple to fall, and then feel bad there’s no new awakening to talk about! Don't pressurize yourself with expectations. Perhaps that’s when it actually starts to work. Even if it doesn’t, it’s okay, leave it. We all know where the original Eureka story happened. So, just chill!

Talking to people you’d normally not interact with

Again, it gives you fresh ideas and perspectives. So, if you’re a senior manager, go ahead and have coffee with two of your recent graduates. Laugh with them, listen in on the latest gossip, check out the new trends on the fashion high street… Allow yourself to absorb these new experiences. And leave it there! Chances are, your brain is exercised well enough to give you a vital “downtime”. More about it later.

What are the “pain-in-the neck” folks thinking?

These are the people you’d normally keep at arm’s length. They maybe your fiercest critics, or people who find you boring, outdated and matronly! People you don't like either, for various reasons. They have the habit of jutting in with opinions without asking. They sometimes confront you in public just because you once said that you don’t like wrestling with a pig!

So you want a fresh perspective? You might actually get all of that and much more! So, if it means swallowing your pride and chatting up with these “obnoxious” souls, so be it. 

Or at least find out what they think about certain issues that are bothering you. Don't get stuck hyper-ventilating at the lack of “nuance”, and the irreverence. You may actually discover quite a few things that’ll be handy later.

Taking yourself less seriously

Another important lesson, especially for those who believe they’re the centre of the universe. It’s okay to get overawed by your titles, designations, and those fawning courtiers and believe that you’ve arrived in every way possible! But it also leads to a certain condition called “know it already-itis itch”. Not particularly known to help you gain fresh perspectives. Rather, you’ll keep seeing what you want to see.

Learn to laugh at yourself once in a while. It helps!

Parking your intense likes & dislikes, for the time being

Your intense likes and dislikes are often related to your values, beliefs and attitudes. No one’s asking you to discard them in the quest for fresh perspective. But occasionally, it helps to secretly use two simple and powerful phrases: “What IF”, and “So What”. Check it out once in a while. It could also let you see the picture from the perspective of others. You don't need to do a Phd on empathy for that.

Proper rest & relaxation, and the twist again!

This is my favorite actually. In fact there’s a reason why your boss ensures you’re always over-worked, tired and near the point of burnout! Not everyone likes to have thinkers around! You know the folks who can think for themselves, without feeding on scraps of insights thrown at them! Well, that’s a topic that merits a separate article.

Coming back to rest and relaxation. Even short and frequent breaks are good to begin with. Just allow a little time for your brain to connect supposedly disjointed bits of information. And you’ll see wonders!

What’s that twist about? Go and search the internet for exercises that improve flexibility. Yoga is my favorite, just so you know. But if you like jumping on the trampoline, that may do as well! You see, there’s got to be something about it, when we talk about mind-body connection. Indulge in it. Allow the brain that much needed workout.

Wading into uncomfortable emotions, but not getting lost 

Now, I am not recommending this for everyone. If you’re already seeing a counsellor or psychotherapist, you might want to have a chat with them before using this tip. Else, skip this and hop over to the next one, please.

If you’re still reading this, then yes, it is a good idea to sometimes stay with the unpleasant emotions. Don't sink into them, and you’ve got to figure out your own way. But yes, our emotions are our finest and most sophisticated internal signaling system. At least take note when you’re getting those strange feelings of discomfort, exasperation… call it what you may. Find out what it’s trying to tell you.

and A Notebook of course

Well, if you start practicing at least three of the preceding points, I’d strongly recommend you keep a notebook with you. Jot down as many points, observations and data points as possible. Take special care to include the weird feelings, the funny ones, the obnoxious ones, and everything in between. Draw mind-maps whenever possible. Don't insist on relating every point to every other point. Your brain is much smarter than you think!

So, yes, that’s my cheat sheet for building adaptability in your life, with a few twists and turns included for fun.

Now, take a few days or weeks (the latter is recommended) to practice some of these skills. And then, go ahead and reflect on the three questions I shared with you at the start of this article. Use as many of these methods, and see what new insights you’re getting. Observe your thinking patterns too. That’s more than enough, actually!

Coming back to the Article. That’s it, nothing more to read here!

Now, go ahead, and embrace change.

It’ll be fun, more often than you thought!