Open Sesame: Exploding the Barriers to a Culture of Openness

We all have our belief systems, values, priorities, and preferences in our lives. Some of these are part of our core being, though we may not even realize the extent to which we’re influenced by them. They can bring people together and also create divides.

So, it can be challenging if these divergences are allowed to run riot and cause havoc in inter-personal interactions in organizations. An environment that values diversity of thought has many benefits after all. It can trigger a healthy irreverence for the status quo. It questions ideas that ought to be challenged. And that’s possibly good for your decision making process too.  How can you make this diversity work to your advantage?

Think about differences in working styles, strategies, policies and approaches to decision making. These can trigger disagreements, and even intense ill-will sometimes. Scratch beneath the surface, and you’ll see how values and beliefs play a big role here. 

For example, let’s look at what happens during a business downturn. Not all departments and companies react in the same manner. Some might want to ‘wait it out’ even as they ‘optimize’ operations with job rotation, pay reduction and other operational efficiency drives. Others might go directly for the bitter pill, downsize the team and hand out pink slips. They believe that the sooner you get rid of the ‘flab’ the better. Ideas that are as different as chalk and cheese.

When value systems collide, the impacts may not be limited to the particular individuals. If allowed to escalate, the atmosphere gets vitiated. 

Heartburn, frayed nerves, disharmony and dysfunctional behavioral patterns can only weigh you down. Deadly enough for a company or team hoping to bounce back or sustain a positive momentum. You’d rather have motivated people doing everything it takes, and staying focused when things get tough.

As a leader, it is vital that you recognize and work with these differences, and also allow space for multiple views to co-exist respectfully. If you allow the drift to persist for too long, it can irretrievably damage the culture of openness that takes so long to create, even in the best of times. The trouble is that sustaining such a culture can be very tough as the issues involved can be too unsettling for many. What happens when you sense a visceral threat to your core values? Some of your most protective and territorial instincts are unleashed. Getting a sense of perspective and proportion will be vital for sanity to prevail!

In this article, we’ll examine three barriers to a culture of openness, and pointers to how we can work around them.  

1. Opaque Decision Making
2. Obeisance to the “Maximum Leader” 
3. Your Insecurity & their Passive Resistance

Opaque Decision Making:

One area that needs major attention is the process of Decision Making in your team and organization. Not just in the case of unpopular and unpleasant decisions. The question is relevant to the ‘ordinary’ decisions too, when certain patterns become too repetitive and entrenched. So, take a break and observe how decisions are arrived at.

What is the process by which decisions are taken? Do people genuinely believe that they’ve got a fair hearing, and often enough? Are decisions rammed through with a charade of consensus? Are key people hiding behind processes and red-tape to avoid difficult conversations? Is there a tendency to cursorily skim through intractable issues? Do people feel that ‘uncomfortable questions’ get stonewalled far too often?

Front-Ending the ‘Tough’ Decisions:

The leader must be seen as owning the good and the bad of decisions, especially ones that can have wide ramifications. A visible ‘front-ending’ by the leader is called for, especially in tough times. Not via emails and broadcast messages or videos.

Walking around the office, and talking with people may sound too simplistic. Maybe that’s why it gets overlooked often! Having well-defined communication protocols is necessary, but not sufficient. Stand up, roll back your shoulders, expand your chest, walk around and convey the decision in simple words. Talk about its impacts, both good and bad. You need to be seen as accessible, and willing to even take some of the criticism, gracefully.

Yeah, take it on the chin with a cool composure. Everyone is watching you. Not every leader gets tested like this too often. And of course not all of them manage to come out with flying colors that often either! Opaque decision making has taken down many ‘celebrated’ champions (leaders and companies too)! It takes some work to buck that trend. Looking at it as an opportunity can be a good start.

Keep your Red-Lines too:

Of course, it may not be possible or even desirable to consult everyone always. You should be able to assert yourself, especially when your scope for maneuver is limited. Keep your red lines intact of course. You don’t want to get hijacked by contentious agendas pulling you in all directions.

You're signaling a willingness to engage, and being open about information that you can share. People are turned off only when they see processes being used as a smokescreen. Most of us are capable of understanding the intention pretty well based on the ‘messaging’ and ‘delivery’. You cant teach them how to do that. They’re already smart enough to ‘get it’!

And what’s the most important tool you can use? Just Listen! Yes, nothing matters more than that when you’re in it for the long haul. Ignoring some of these ‘simple’ points can leave a very bad aftertaste that will come back to haunt the organization sooner than you thought! 

Because, it is in times like these that your resolve to maintain a thriving culture of openness gets tested.

Obeisance to the “Maximum Leader” 

Your leadership style has a direct impact on the level of openness that you get in your team/organization.

Leaders with high levels of self awareness know this pretty well. Others will keep wondering… “How come folks here don't have the gall for risk taking?”, “Why do we wait till things reach crisis point, Why aren't these red flagged early enough?”, “How is it that we get to hear these complaints only from our customers, what’s really going on?”… 

Is it the ‘culture’ thing?

Hold on, let’s not label it so fast!

Well, maybe, just maybe, no one really wants to come across as the baddie out here! Because, directly or (often) indirectly, candor has been discouraged, or even dis-incentivized. The messengers are perhaps getting shot for carrying the bad news. No one wants to spill the beans.

Concurrence and compliance have got top billing status for far too long. You might have created a super-sanitized, almost stifling environment where people pleasing has become the norm, just because that’s a ‘safe’ option. There’s a desperation to show everything is in order, and that all’s well, exactly as the “Leader” decreed!….. After all, the leader knows what’s in the best interests for the team, the leader knows what needs to happen and what cannot be allowed…

This ‘tough’ and ‘caring’ leader is the fount of eternal wisdom, so why look anywhere else! Even if you’d started off with your heart in the right place, a near-paternalistic leadership style can damage the culture in your team.

People become overly dependent on a command-and-control style. They’re always looking over their shoulders and waiting for the nudge and signs of approval from the “Maximum leader”. Sometimes, they’re expected to stay eternally grateful to the leader for his/her benevolence in getting things sorted for them. You know, they’re these poor little souls who needed to be redeemed. 

So, what can be done? Change can’t happen overnight.

Installing a Spirit of Inquiry:

But, you could start by encouraging people to find answers and resources that take them closer to outcomes. Not by looking for readymade answers, but rather by framing the right questions. You can help of course by resisting the urge to tell them “how”.

Instead, focus on giving them access to resources that improve the quality of thinking in the team. An “open source model” of thinking with the right checks and balances is what you could consider installing. Thinking that is more outcome focused. Where assumptions are verified, challenged and even criticized. Criticism that seeks out alternatives and options to start moving from where you are. Not the criticism that endlessly cries over ‘what could have been’ and ‘what didn’t happen’. Thinking that leads to ‘actionable’ insights is more like it. 

Insights which help people to identify real dependencies and bottlenecks. Support them of course with more questions! And effective brainstorming practices can help too.

You may know the answers, but help them figure their way to get there. Or even get one up on you!

There are benefits when the maximum leader recedes to the background, at least a little more often! A culture of openness being one of them. Because people realize things wont move otherwise.

Your Insecurity & their Passive Resistance

Passive resistance to change can post significant threats to a culture of openness.

Where does this passive resistance originate from? It is usually driven by intense emotions like anger, jealousy, fear and anxieties that aren't articulated well. A stifling environment where genuine concerns are swept under the carpet erodes enthusiasm.

Take fear of failure for instance. Or even the fear of being damned for making mistakes. Not getting due credit, appreciation and recognition can also turn off people internally. With diminishing motivation, they’re happy to just go through the motions. Passive resistance can’t be fixed by showering praise or even handing out gift coupons. It may look like it’s working for some time. But then, that’s how passive resistance works, isn't it?!

But are we looking at the right place?

What if the problem is actually with the leader? It isn't unusual to find leaders mortified of getting upstaged by smart folks in their team. This insecurity breeds information hoarding, favoritism and subterfuge of various hues. The leader wants to hog the limelight, and doesn't mind being a control freak, unwilling to let go of power and authority.

Denying visibility about issues and information is a tool that is too easy to deploy. The insecure manager decides to ration information coming from senior leadership teams and even customers. Information will be shared on “need” basis, they claim. People get dis-empowered when they aren't sure what’s really going on in the organization.

Over a period of time, the effects are highly corrosive. Sometimes, lesser capable individuals are promoted, just so that leaders can surround themselves with servile people who can’t threaten their position.

Of course, not many leaders would want to admit to such behaviour. Also, the urge for self-preservation isn’t the real problem. So, if you are that rare specimen who is okay to detect and recognize such insecurity in yourself, albeit on a smaller scale, great! Instead of feeling bad about it, let’s look at the   situation with a different pair of glasses.

How about looking at the big opportunities that’ll present themselves when you have a more empowered and confident team? One that’s willing to play ball for the real big high stakes game? Where people aren't stuck in self-doubt, but are eager to take on bigger challenges, to learn and adapt to tough situations. And also stay resilient while facing difficult situations. No amount of preaching or pep-talk or powerpoint presentations can achieve what an empowered team can do. When you look at the culture that’s in vogue right now, what do you think? Is your team ready for the offensive to move beyond self-preservation and territorial behaviour, and go after audacious goals?

Conflicting agendas, priorities, interests and narratives aren't uncommon in any organization. Why, you’ll see it happen even in families. It’s in the nature of people to safeguard their territory. We all do it! So stop beating yourself up. We can do it differently.

Let People Gravitate towards you & that Vision Thing

You can seize the narrative with a positive and constructive agenda that makes people gravitate towards you. As a leader, people are looking at you to define a compelling vision. A picture that excites them from deep within. It may not be easy, but won’t be that hard either.

Because, the key point is to connect their aspirations to the shared goals, beneficial outcomes, and vision that you’re outlining. You might need to even expand the scope of the work assignments in your team to accommodate those aspirations. Some creativity is definitely called for. So make sure you take it as a challenge! See it as a chance to present a larger pie of opportunities and ‘spoils’ for people who’ll stick with you. You bet! It is so easy to hide behind policies and processes and pretend helplessness. That will only make the insecurity muck hit the fan.

You can read more about how to do this in my article series on Engaged Execution.

Two points that I’ll specially emphasize:

Conveying Trust:

How do you get people on board, and keep them motivated?Well, that needs a trusting environment. A trusting environment cannot be sustained with a perceived lack of sincerity, especially when there’s a wide gap between what is said and how it is said. People can sense the genuineness behind words. Ensure there is congruence between your body language, gestures, expressions and the words articulated. Most of us are adept at recognizing fake praise and homilies from a distance. Somehow, we have those in-built smart sensors that are reasonably good at alerting us.

Brevity & Focus helps too!

Crisp communication is what we are talking about here. You know, where relevant information and data are shared, clarity about assumptions exists, well-substantiated inferences are made, and there’s a willingness to examine multiple sides, dimensions and aspects of issues. This will help you avoid getting pigeonholed into pre-determined predictable patterns, based on “how things are done here”. That one shift is like a kick on the rear end of insecurity! 

Well, handling difficult conversations is an art in itself. Read more about it in this article of mine, where I present a model called “SPEAK WISE”. You’ll get some more ideas there!

So, as you can see, it takes a lot of work to create a culture of openness. Some of these changes will be difficult. It can’t be that easy to step out of one’s comfort zone. You’ve got to keep your own motivation levels high to be able to stick with this change. Defining powerful outcomes and exciting opportunities will certainly help. Taking yourself a little less seriously can make it a tad bit easier too. We’re talking openness here, after all!

Type B Razor Sharp Focus: Pass around the Winning Habit!

As a Leader, what are you doing to keep your folks focused, motivated and excited to succeed individually and as a team?

Frameworks, processes, structures and "best practices" of various hues come and go. But cracking the motivation puzzle can be challenging even in the best of times. You want your people to go all out and pursue the shared goals of your team or organization. What exactly is that "elusive" holy grail of motivation, especially in a collaborative environment? You want people to not just achieve individual goals and targets. You want them to support each other in winning too, right? 

What would be that key ingredient that'll make it happen?

If I were asked to pick one such ingredient, my vote goes to what I call the Type B Razor Sharp Focus. Let me define this Type B focus right away!

A sense of accomplishment and the pride that goes with it drives most individuals in their lives. Many of us like to do and complete things that give us this experience of achievement. It needn't be only about big audacious outcomes. How about just ticking off items from a to-do list? The mental satisfaction can be immense. It is a validation of sorts. Of our ability to simply get things done! Nothing more than that. The scale of what gets done comes after that.

Every such result or outcome is powered by well-focused actions. To overcome challenges, and to do what it takes. Let's take a closer look at this focus. I can be totally focused and be driven by a messianic zeal to get what I want. Take this zeal a few notches higher. It can become an all consuming obsession of sorts. One that compels me to give it all I have. A Razor sharp focus, where only the results matter. Only my results matter. As it is all about me and my single-minded pursuit of my success.

I'd categorize this Razor Sharp Focus as Type A. Where it is all about the individual and the outcome. So many of our finest achievements in history are driven by this Type A Razor Sharp Focus. You'll see it in some of the success stories in the world of business, academia, sports, entertainment, politics, and several other fields.

Now, let's look at another kind of success. I am of course entitled to my own success. But while I pursue this outcome, I am also actively supporting others like me to succeed. Somehow, I am convinced that when others succeed with me, I can actually start winning more often. In fact, the quantum of success may also become bigger for everyone in the process. For this to happen, I can't be only obsessed about my win. I now need to keep an eye on others around me too! Because the stakes are much higher now. The opportunities are also bigger!

This needs a different kind of focus. It needs Razor Sharp Focus, for sure. Of Type B, and not what we saw above alone.

Are you a Leader who wishes to pursue radically transformative change? If yes, have you got enough supply of this vital factor of production? The Type B Razor Sharp Focus? How can you procure more of it? And maintain a healthy inventory level too?

Let’s look at three important aspects to make this happen.

Eschew The Blind Spots & work with Shared Interests:

It is possible that we may unwittingly overlook the advantages of collaboration. This happens when we aren't fully conscious of the potential rewards and outcomes. Distractions of different kinds can skew our perspective. We may rush to make hasty conclusions in our minds about what is possible and what isn’t…

Why does this happen? Sometimes, we unconsciously tend to mix facts along with impressions, assumptions and interpretations. We may omit and edit out some of the facts and data. This happens when we’re driven by an agenda to match what we see with what we want to see! We may project our map of reality into the actual territory!

Let’s assume you’re working on a joint assignment with a colleague. You may conclude that it is not worthy enough for you to join forces with your colleague for anything beyond what is just essential. This conclusion is often based on incomplete information and the blind spots that tend to develop over time.

An open mindset can help you avoid some of these costly mistakes. This needs some focused work. You could start by first listing out the essential facts. Examine the associated assumptions, interpretations and impressions. These are usually driving your thinking patterns.

Engage with the Discomfort!

So, it helps to observe your thoughts and associated emotions. Start connecting the dots and become aware of the impacts of such a limited view of reality. Become aware of what you’re likely to gain if these limiting patterns are replaced by a more open system of thoughts and actions. Which of the assumptions can be kept aside? If some of your thoughts are making you uncomfortable, take that as an important signal or alert. You might want to do something about it. What actions, support or additional information will take you to a more positive frame of mind and make you feel reassured? Once these actions are secured, does it make sense to explore collaboration so that you can reap more benefits?

Become the Role Model!

As a Leader, you need to support the key members of your team to practice this  and train themselves to unlock the benefits of collaboration. But not by ignoring genuine concerns and warning signs. Instead, you are identifying specific approaches and steps that can minimize or even nullify the dangers that exist. By nudging everyone consciously back to collaboration, as a group, you are able to access more choices and possibilities.

Managing Runaway Emotions

Emotional wellbeing is critical so that you can leverage your Type B Razor Sharp focus. All your key team members need to develop this skill. Several “seasoned” players in organizations assume that emotions are bad and need to be kept away from the workplace. Nothing can be more damaging than such unhealthy maxims and edicts.

In the previous section we spoke about observing thoughts and associated emotions. It is important to use this as a signaling system, and move towards better outcomes.

At real-time you are getting mentally and emotionally impacted by others: Their patterns of behaviour, their actions, their thoughts, ideas. These are leaving imprints at an emotional level. Develop an awareness of the specific triggers and behavioral patterns (of others) that make you angry, afraid, uncomfortable, embarrassed, guilty, or even confused. By not acknowledging this, you may end up projecting your frustrations on others.

The Climate Change!

As a Leader, you will need to develop a climate of open communication. A safe space for people to articulate their concerns and worries in a mature manner. This is not to say that you should encourage your staff to cry and holler in public! Rather, the idea is to have a mature approach to take purposive action by working with emotional intelligence.

You can yourself demonstrate some of these skills of self awareness and self regulation. Formulate ways of working and protocols to allow for these underlying issues to get expressed in a constructive and outcome oriented manner. People will slowly open up and get into a practice of moving towards solutions. This again will allow for the right kind of focus to emerge across your team and floor!

The alternative is to keep pretending things are okay and allow frustrations, fears and seething rage to get bottled up inside. And there is a hefty price tag too, if people choose the latter option! Genuine issues get hidden, but not for long. It doesn't take long for the inevitable descent into a dysfunctional culture. Passive resistance, unwholesome politicking and even hit jobs can corrode your team’s collective energies and potential in no time! Can it get worse? Yes it does! The good and capable employees may flee, and you’ll be stuck with rotten apples that vitiate the atmosphere further!

Feed Forward vs. Intimidating Feedback

Type B Razor Sharp Focus requires you and your team to embrace a spirit and culture of continuous improvement. The ability to observe, reflect and introspect is an absolute must for such a culture to take root. It is important to keep a close watch on key performance indicators of your significant workflows and processes. People need to have a “feel” for it. And it also requires a culture of open communication.

Bad news must be picked up early enough so that you can take corrective actions as a team. Maybe, this sounds logically kosher. But, in practice it calls for open sharing and acknowledging of feedback and suggestions for improvements. How can you make sure that the feedback is taken on board in the right spirit? What if some of your folks get intimidated by the candor that you want in the process? What can be done to keep the Type B Razor Sharp Focus intact?

A few thoughts and queries that you can keep coming back to:

• Use a feed forward approach while exchanging feedback.
• If something wasn't done well, what learning can be taken on-board for the future?
• What will be done differently?
• How can the result or outcome get secured, in spite of what happened in the past?
• Are people trying to “fix” weaknesses or leverage their strengths?
• What would need to happen if you want more of the latter?
• Is there a need to change the outcome itself?
• Where possible, how can you include people in the formulation of outcomes, expectations, goals and results?
• What can be done to increase the quality of the buy-in?
• It may also be a good idea to draw certain red lines for behaviour.
• That hint of a disparaging tone, the hidden signs of trust-deficit, molten hot anger, and an overwhelming lack of empathy… How can you move out of such a paradigm and stay focused on the best outcomes?
• What red lines can you define?

We know that given a conducive and enabling environment, many among us are able to deploy our finest strengths and capabilities. Creating and jointly nurturing such an environment is the way to go!

Just imagine what can happen if more of our relationships get transformed with greater understanding. Don't you think many hidden possibilities and opportunities may get unlocked? Perhaps there will be lesser strife and discord. Stress levels can also come down. You and others can focus better on things that matter the most. 

Focus that is derived in this order: 1) Better Mutual Understanding >> 2) Actions Driven by this Higher Order Understanding >> 3) Better Quality Interactions  >> 4) Reduced Stress >> 5) Razor Sharp Focus & Co-creation of Superior Value

Get more of it!

Take the Chance: 5 Strategies for taming the Hesitation Habit!

78% effort instead of 85%; dialing a number and disconnecting just before it rings at the other end; almost raising your hand to make a point or ask a query in a meeting or discussion; nearly expressing one’s true feelings, but holding back at the nth moment; feeling quite pumped up at the thought of going to the gym, but deciding against it after almost opening the main door of your home.

Most of us do these, don't we? Those little and not-so-little acts of hesitation, of holding back, of steps almost taken, actions left half-done, thoughts never expressed in the open, words that only got almost uttered!

Not that there’s anything unusual about it. It is perhaps a good idea at times, that not every word gets air-time, and not every action is taken to its supposed conclusion. The trouble is when hesitation is accompanied by regret, and a lot of it actually. That’s often the case, when too many opportunities get passed over. We’re waiting for the right moment, the right environment, and for the perfect feeling of readiness…

When allowed to become an entrenched habit, such patterns of hesitation can lead to stress, and a lot of anger. In fact anger can sometimes be a convenient cover for a deeply ingrained and gut-wrenching sense of frustration, guilt and even inadequacy. Intoxicant abuse, excessive vices and to a lesser extent even things like retail therapy may help you put a tight lid over some of these feelings, but at a huge cost.

Most of us want to experience authentic happiness and fulfillment in our lives. For that to happen, it is important that we at least get a better understanding of our patterns of hesitation. And then see if there’s something we want to do about it. Pretending that there’s nothing to bother about, or imagining nothing can be done about it, may not be a wise strategy in the long run.

In this article, let’s look at five ways to observe, decode and work with, and work around our hesitation.

Observe: Obvious & Hidden Hesitation Patterns

As you may have noticed, these are often habits that have been with us for a long time. They may have become part of our auto-programmed responses to situations. We may not even realize that!

Start by taking stock of these patterns at a high level, across different areas of life. Look at the last 6 months, then the last two years, last five years and so on… Look at the decisions and actions that you take in day-to-day life. It could be your interactions with family, decisions and actions related to your work-life, your interactions with friends, your spending habits, how you choose to relax and unwind… How do you make your decisions and choices in these areas? To what extent do you go after what you want.

How often do you hold yourself back? Are there instances when you set aside your likes, preferences and choices? Do you feel the need to compromise, and not “rock the boat”? Do you sometimes hesitate to take certain actions, or say something that’s on your mind?  Do you experience unpleasant feelings, while doing this, or later? May be regret, fear, embarrassment, anger, or even guilt at not pushing for what you truly want.

Does it happen that some of these have become so common that you don't even notice them? Across all areas in your life put together, if you were to give a score out of 100 to the following question (in italics), what score will you give? 100 being complete agreement with the question.

To what extent are you able to do what you think is the right way?

Further, reflect on these questions too:

• What broad patterns do you see about yourself?
• What have been the consequences of this holding back, in different areas of life?
• What three changes would you like to see, going forward?

Jot down the points that come to your mind, and keep reading!

The Worst Case & Not Quite there, yet!

In the previous section, we did a general reflection on your hesitation patterns. Now, let’s get into specific areas. Pick any specific area in your life where you see this habit is pretty well entrenched. For example, you aren't asserting yourself enough in a close relationship. Or, there’s something at work that you are unhappy about. You’ve have raised the concerns, but haven’t articulated them strongly enough.

Maybe, you are unsure of the outcome and don't want things to backfire. Some of these fears may very well be valid. It is good to examine this in a clinically detached manner and define what exactly are these worst scenarios that you’d rather avoid. See if you can do this after practicing some relaxation methods that you like. So that you can gather the issues, facts and dependencies, and get a clear picture.

Note down your insights on paper. Write down the basis for your assumptions. State what is known, and explicitly write down what is not yet established as fact. There is a situation that’s waiting for a solution and outcome(s) that you actually want. 

• Six months from now, when you look back at this situation, what outcome will you be most happy about?
• What resources can  take you from the situation to the solution?
• If you don't know the answer, where can you look? Who can help?

Spend as much time as possible on these questions. Sometimes, the best choice is to bring these demons out into the open. These worst case scenarios may seem very scary in the dark. Examine them in broad daylight, and see what happens! 

What you’re after: The Motivation thing

So, you have started taming the demons alright! But, even after reasonably figuring out the way forward, sometimes, we still chicken out at that most critical time! When you notice this happening, ask yourself what is the underlying motivation that is driving you vis-a-vis this outcome. How badly do you want that outcome? If you don't get it, will you experience disappointment? If yes, to what extent? On a scale of 1 to 10, will it be  8+ level of disappointment, or below? Maybe around 4-6? Or even lesser?

Have you given yourself a score below 7? It is time to examine and define the outcome you're working towards, with more clarity.

• What more can go into it that can raise the stakes? 
• More importantly, are you deliberately setting the bar lower, to avoid greater disappointment?
• If you raise the bar, what will need to change?

The Holding Operation: Holding on to?

You have raised your stakes, even confronted some of your fears and nightmares. Logically, all of this makes perfect sense. You’re almost there, but not quite there when it comes to persisting with the actions needed. What could be going wrong now? 

This is the time to ask:  

• What am I holding on to, in spite of the unpleasant outcomes?
• What am I scared of letting go?

A hint: Sometimes, we still want to stick to the zone of fake comfort and fake security. Maybe, someone won’t like you if you change the status quo drastically. Perhaps you’ll be labeled self-centered, or even reckless. But that alone isn't the point. Go one layer below, or even further. What thoughts do you notice? Write them down, in great detail.

Soon, you may realize that the problem is not with them, actually! Somewhere, it is your own make-believe world of calm and order that is being threatened. You know pretty well that this order is as fake as fake can be. But, it is “safer” to continue with the pretense. Even if that entails discomfort and worse…

As you keep moving forward, what would you like to take along?

Breaking the Pattern & Moving forward

The previous section can be particularly hard when you’re trying to break patterns that have become too hard-wired. It is important that you put in careful thought into the process. Some pain is inevitable. You can of course stick to a policy of no-change. In that case also, it is important to cushion the impact. Because, now you are aware! Till now, maybe retail therapy and intoxicants may have helped. They may not be that effective from hereon. Whatever you choose, you’ll need to actively work with some pattern or the other, so that you can move forward.

Three tips are given below.

Routines to Re-Wire your Brain

Some of these changes will need time, and a proper plan too. When you’re working against hard-wired patterns, there will be moments of self-doubt and fear. Taking small and consistent steps can be helpful. If needed, enlist the support of a friend for that extra pep talk. Plan these consistent steps to be done over and over again till they become the new normal for your brain. I’d also recommend processes like mindfulness, visualization and deep relaxation. They will help to keep you fully anchored in the process.

Compassion to self and others!

Don’t be in a hurry to get it all sorted at one go. It is important to have compassion towards yourself. Not everyone is going to be supportive with this change. People may resist some of your changes. Don't label them as your enemies. At least in your mind, look at them with some understanding. Maybe you’re pushing them out of their comfort zone. Perhaps, that “tough” exterior they’ve been displaying all along is just a facade. Is there some way to assuage a few of their concerns at least? Some actions that can even indirectly reduce their “threat perception”? 

Celebrate each movement & Learn

You’ve shown remarkable grit by taking this hesitation bull by its horns. Tick Celebrate! You were open enough to examine your patterns good and bad, and even those underlying fears and discomfort. Tick Celebrate! You didn’t flinch when the time came to ask yourself how motivated you really were. Tick Celebrate! And then, to bravely look in the mirror and acknowledge that maybe you weren't letting the change happen, and were strangely holding on to some things that made no sense. And not just that, you were ready to install routines that make it possible to break the hesitation one habit at a time, and to rewire your brain in the process. Tick Celebrate! Every move forward is worth cherishing. Every setback is an opportunity to learn and improve. 

Don’t hesitate to celebrate!