Observe and go with the Flow: 9 Habits to Build your Adaptability Muscle

Adaptability is a virtue that is vital for success, a sense of contentment and even for plain survival against tough odds in life. There can be no better teacher than nature when it comes to adaptability. Just look around and observe! We may call it by different terms and labels. But, the ability to sense changes and “adjust” accordingly is one of the finest qualities in life.

Not sure though, if adaptability is understood and appreciated enough. Especially in a dominant cultural milieu that celebrates valor, aggression, firm resolve, and the occasional streak of ruthlessness, all seen as vital for “achievement”. Perhaps we need to scratch beneath the surface of every “successful” outcome, and whatever led to it. That could give us a finer, nuanced understanding of the role played by adaptability in shaping many of those blockbuster moments of triumph.

It may just be that secret ingredient no valiant champion wants to share with you! They’d rather have you hooked on to the notion that it was some “superior” talent or extraordinary grit and effort that made it all possible. Mythology keeps everyone happy, for different reasons though!

As if lack of awareness and understanding wasn't bad enough. Unfortunately, we may have actually gone much further! By indirectly portraying adaptability and it’s variants as a “chink in the armor”, something perhaps meant for the “effete” and the faint-hearted ones, many have committed the blunder of ignoring a virtue that can actually make life much simpler. That’s what happens when myth-making, narrative-peddling and motivated label-creation go together. We effectively lose track of reality and perspective. The smart ones know better of course!

But, it doesn't have to be that way always, isn't it?

In this article, let us explore some of the qualities and skills that can help you raise the quality of adaptability in life. This is certainly not an exhaustive list!

Before we proceed, I suggest you jot down some answers and points for the following three questions:

• What are the three things in your life that you are absolutely confident will never happen?
• Think of two people in your life that you totally detest and hate. What will it be like to take some support and help from them at some stage in your life?
• What are the two things or values in life that you’ll never compromise on?

We’re not going to work through these answers right now. Just jot down your thoughts and leave it there, for now.

Coming back to the skills that I have shortlisted for this article. Okay, actually, I’ve changed my mind! I’ll only talk about one skill. And that’s it.

Your lesson on adaptability has just started!:

Keen sense of observation, with a twist!

Obviously, you need to be able to observe, analyze and predict possible scenarios that may throw up “unforeseen” challenges. But what are you going to observe? Let’s go for the “twist” in the title of this section! That’s the meaty part, actually. The idea is to look for what you’d normally not look at or see. Listen for what you’d normally not hear, things that aren't that “audible” to you. And also, develop a sense or a radar to feel feelings that are unfamiliar, to the point of being non-existent for you. Have I scrambled your brain beyond repair with this one paragraph? Good, that’s what you need for adaptability.

To put it simply, we’ve got to work on discarding some of the filters and blinkers we use, to make sense of what’s happening around us. That is the quality of observation that will actually help. It maybe pretty tough for many folks, especially the ones who think they’ve got it all sorted in life! For those who have seen a lot of “success” already. The blinkers and filters are now part of their cellular structure! A few pointers that may help are given below. And of course, these aren't coming with any money-back guarantee, please:

Change of Routine

Sometimes, we get so used to regimenting our lives with such perfection: everything is in its place, and there’s an overriding structure that determines most of our actions. It of course makes life organized, efficient and even simpler. But it also leads to certain “convenient” and “predictable” ways of not just thinking, but even observing.

Break this cycle, and embrace a change of routine once in a while. Take the stairs instead of the lift, watch the weather channel for two hours, wear a color you’ve never had in your wardrobe, send five emojis in each sentence… you get the drift. Allow your brain to get surprised, and jolted out of those set patterns. Now go back to the issue where you wanted a fresh perspective. Or an issue where you think there’s nothing more to know. It’s all clear.

Keep observing without concluding and sorting out instantly.

  

Change of Place

In some ways, this is a variant of the first. I’d still want to emphasize this as a separate point. Sit in a different desk maybe, take a walk and sit in the park-bench, work from a different location, sleep in the guest room for a few days… Go ahead and define “change of place”. Again, it is a nice little way to gain a different perspective.

And most important point. Remember what I said about “no money-back guarantees”? So, don’t sit under the apple tree waiting for the apple to fall, and then feel bad there’s no new awakening to talk about! Don't pressurize yourself with expectations. Perhaps that’s when it actually starts to work. Even if it doesn’t, it’s okay, leave it. We all know where the original Eureka story happened. So, just chill!

Talking to people you’d normally not interact with

Again, it gives you fresh ideas and perspectives. So, if you’re a senior manager, go ahead and have coffee with two of your recent graduates. Laugh with them, listen in on the latest gossip, check out the new trends on the fashion high street… Allow yourself to absorb these new experiences. And leave it there! Chances are, your brain is exercised well enough to give you a vital “downtime”. More about it later.

What are the “pain-in-the neck” folks thinking?

These are the people you’d normally keep at arm’s length. They maybe your fiercest critics, or people who find you boring, outdated and matronly! People you don't like either, for various reasons. They have the habit of jutting in with opinions without asking. They sometimes confront you in public just because you once said that you don’t like wrestling with a pig!

So you want a fresh perspective? You might actually get all of that and much more! So, if it means swallowing your pride and chatting up with these “obnoxious” souls, so be it. 

Or at least find out what they think about certain issues that are bothering you. Don't get stuck hyper-ventilating at the lack of “nuance”, and the irreverence. You may actually discover quite a few things that’ll be handy later.

Taking yourself less seriously

Another important lesson, especially for those who believe they’re the centre of the universe. It’s okay to get overawed by your titles, designations, and those fawning courtiers and believe that you’ve arrived in every way possible! But it also leads to a certain condition called “know it already-itis itch”. Not particularly known to help you gain fresh perspectives. Rather, you’ll keep seeing what you want to see.

Learn to laugh at yourself once in a while. It helps!

Parking your intense likes & dislikes, for the time being

Your intense likes and dislikes are often related to your values, beliefs and attitudes. No one’s asking you to discard them in the quest for fresh perspective. But occasionally, it helps to secretly use two simple and powerful phrases: “What IF”, and “So What”. Check it out once in a while. It could also let you see the picture from the perspective of others. You don't need to do a Phd on empathy for that.

Proper rest & relaxation, and the twist again!

This is my favorite actually. In fact there’s a reason why your boss ensures you’re always over-worked, tired and near the point of burnout! Not everyone likes to have thinkers around! You know the folks who can think for themselves, without feeding on scraps of insights thrown at them! Well, that’s a topic that merits a separate article.

Coming back to rest and relaxation. Even short and frequent breaks are good to begin with. Just allow a little time for your brain to connect supposedly disjointed bits of information. And you’ll see wonders!

What’s that twist about? Go and search the internet for exercises that improve flexibility. Yoga is my favorite, just so you know. But if you like jumping on the trampoline, that may do as well! You see, there’s got to be something about it, when we talk about mind-body connection. Indulge in it. Allow the brain that much needed workout.

Wading into uncomfortable emotions, but not getting lost 

Now, I am not recommending this for everyone. If you’re already seeing a counsellor or psychotherapist, you might want to have a chat with them before using this tip. Else, skip this and hop over to the next one, please.

If you’re still reading this, then yes, it is a good idea to sometimes stay with the unpleasant emotions. Don't sink into them, and you’ve got to figure out your own way. But yes, our emotions are our finest and most sophisticated internal signaling system. At least take note when you’re getting those strange feelings of discomfort, exasperation… call it what you may. Find out what it’s trying to tell you.

and A Notebook of course

Well, if you start practicing at least three of the preceding points, I’d strongly recommend you keep a notebook with you. Jot down as many points, observations and data points as possible. Take special care to include the weird feelings, the funny ones, the obnoxious ones, and everything in between. Draw mind-maps whenever possible. Don't insist on relating every point to every other point. Your brain is much smarter than you think!

So, yes, that’s my cheat sheet for building adaptability in your life, with a few twists and turns included for fun.

Now, take a few days or weeks (the latter is recommended) to practice some of these skills. And then, go ahead and reflect on the three questions I shared with you at the start of this article. Use as many of these methods, and see what new insights you’re getting. Observe your thinking patterns too. That’s more than enough, actually!

Coming back to the Article. That’s it, nothing more to read here!

Now, go ahead, and embrace change.

It’ll be fun, more often than you thought!

Jobs are going Size-Zero: 3 Strategies that don’t work & 3 that do!

So, where did all the jobs go?

Oh that! We’re just going “Size Zero”, screams the new-age CEO, heralding the next round of layoffs. Restructuring, right sizing, head-count rationalization… Oh! those buzz words from the age of T-Rex! “Lean and nimble” was so jaded anyway, no one noticed when it came and went! Say something new.

While we kept ourselves entertained with C-suite glib-talk, not sure how many of us noticed the tectonic plate movements happening across industries and businesses verticals. Hundreds and thousands of jobs are vanishing into thin air with all those productivity and automation drives happening everywhere. And mind you, that’s not just in the so-called “high-tech space”. Job security as we understood it all this while, is all but gone, even as pundits talk about frequent recessions here, there and everywhere. Rising “protectionism” in some of the major economies isn't making things easier. Skills that were “cool” on a resume even five years back are looking so 1970s now!

What are we doing to adapt?

This article is looking at this question from an individual readiness perspective. What can folks do to cope better with these rapid changes and uncertainties? How can line managers support people? While the points mentioned here touch upon dimensions of general management, I’d like to see it more as an Adaptability Challenge. Therefore, some of the points and suggestions are derived from an emotional intelligence perspective as well. 

The scale of change now is markedly different, and that’s to put it mildly. Rehashed snake oil fixes can’t be dressed up as strategy, at least not this time. Depend on them at your own peril.

Here are three such practices that should simply belong to the paleolithic age museum. It’s surprising these are allowed to wreak so much damage at the most inopportune time:

What won’t work!

Ignoring the Elephant

Pretending that “things” happen only to other people was never a good idea in any case. Whole business models are becoming obsolete, and that too at a scorching pace. But, how aware are people across different hierarchy levels about the exact nature of the problem?

Are we having an honest conversation about the scale of this challenge? Are we openly talking about what jobs, roles and skills will become non-existent/irrelevant in five years? Are these jobs shifting elsewhere, or disappearing altogether?

Are we talking about these frequently enough? Hiding behind jargon, or tinkering with some trite “cost-optimization”? And just bout hoping the problem will go away? That’s called tempting fate in style! It maybe a classic case of missing the woods for the trees, with scary consequences.

Managing by fear-mongering

Economic downturn phases unfortunately bring out some of the most undesirable qualities in people, especially at the managerial level. Not that they’re bad or foolish people. Perhaps it’s just what happens when a fear-driven command-and-control, insecure and expedient mindset gets glorified, and takes over.

Threatening people with crazy rules and compliances, pushing them over the edge with absurd expectations, pressurizing them so they totally forget what it means to be creative and innovative…and don’t get me started on work-life balance and the silly mistakes frustrated, overworked people do! Again, all this may have worked for a short while in some of the earlier recessions. Will it really hold now, when the ground beneath is shifting forever? Is this the right way to stick it out? Whatever happened to plain vanilla collaboration?

The Waiting Game

A variant of the first one. Waiting for someone (government, senior leadership, customers) to bring back sanity. Hoping that someone out there is working on the ideal solutions that will magically transform the situation, and bring in “job security”, growth, or at least help us hang in there, till the next “uptick”!

Initiative and being proactive are words that have been so overused that it’s become a classic case of crying wolf too often. Fear-Mongering is only ensuring that people focus on weird priorities without a proper understanding of what it takes to adapt and move ahead. A nice little collective delusion of “something” getting done, is more like it!

Usually, nothing happens till it’s time to arrange stuff in certain cardboard boxes. A dangerous strategy of pining for change, when time is of the essence!

What can help instead:

Open Channels of Communication

It is important to take away the stigma associated with redundancies, especially in countries like India. Easier said than done. What we can do is to have open communication. Where people have honest discussions about emerging challenges, threats and potential opportunities. Frank 360 degree appraisal of strengths and weaknesses can also help people check-in and face the facts as they are. That’s important for people to figure out where they are, and also get an idea of the way forward.

Open communication will also help people to collaborate, and be creative and innovative whenever needed. Because dysfunctional competition at this stage is the fastest way to disaster. And as they always say, how you treat the ones leaving is critical. Because the others are watching, and they’ll remember your actions for a long time to come. Bursting balloons on silly Friday afternoon team-building exercises ain’t gonna fix that damage! Overworking rumor mills and corridor talk can make the damage comprehensive. So, timely sharing of information without fear-mongering is the way to go. A fine balancing act of sorts, at several levels! 

Focus on Focus!

This is a long-haul flight with turbulence galore! Work on your stamina if you wish to hold out against tough odds. Remember Grandma’s sermons: the quality of food intake, your exercise, and even that four-letter word called “rest”. Ignoring these basic common-sense lessons is like going to Mt. Everest without oxygen masks.

Agreed, this is the time for everyone to pull up their socks, but why pretend, when you can do the real stuff? Watch your energy levels soar with periodic breaks, timely nourishment, hydration, deep breathing and of course some cool stretches too! 

And you know what it does to the quality of thinking skills. And that could make all the difference that really matters!

Building a Survival Toolkit

Line managers can actively champion a spirit of self-leadership at all levels. So that people can take a shot at evolving personalized career plans that raise their chances of staying in the game.

Developing new career skills, flexibility to take on short term job assignments, adding more value in every deliverable, focused professional networking skills, knowledge acquisition and sharing, mentorship and coaching… Add in all these elements and more to develop a robust toolkit that helps people tide over the situation and even thrive. And even if there is redundancy, people aren't left feeling like fish out of water. And you might like to have this fighting spirit and killer instinct with those who are still on the payroll. Instead of feeling totally flustered and drained out. 

Resilience of the real kind, is indeed the need of the hour. Allow it!

Carping criticism: Claw your way out with Self Efficacy!

Carping criticism can be hard to handle at times. Especially when you have put in efforts with a lot of sincerity. It can be disheartening when it comes from people you respect, admire and also from people you love. And when it comes from those who aren't having your best interests at heart, criticism can often feel brutal and agonizing.

Both the anticipation and aftermath of criticism can be nerve-wracking for many among us. We’re wired to experience intense emotions in these situations.

• Fear of being branded as a failure, and having to cope with ignominy
• Hurt & sadness at not getting acknowledged for the efforts made. People may also feel that their very identity, image and self-worth are being threatened.
• Anger at perceived (and maybe  real) lack of fairness, or even a sense of being exploited. This may even lead to unbridled rage and fury later.
• Guilt at (maybe) not having done enough to avoid the situation!
• Hopelessness and a gnawing sense of defeat. This of course is particularly hard to deal with.

Life is such that we cannot totally avoid criticism even in the best of times. You might think your plans are foolproof. You’ve spared no effort to ensure there is flawless execution. Lot of things may have gone right too. But alas… All it takes is a few missteps, and overnight it appears you’re sitting duck!

Poor coping and response mechanisms to criticism is a big problem. Of course, there is the (obvious) emotional churn, and the immediate impact at the level of self-esteem and relationships. But, there can be many other forms of damage too.

A note about Fear of Criticism

• Anticipation of criticism for instance, isn't bad per se. 
• It can act as a motivation to go the extra mile and get better results.
• But, the fear of criticism can also lead to dysfunctional behavior, like playing too safe, or even manipulative behaviours at times.

Not all of the fear is irrational either. There can be serious consequences at times, and the emotional damage is only one small aspect. Career damage, monetary losses, and much more can happen to totally throw life out of gear…

So, when we look at strengthening our coping mechanisms, it is not possible to have rules and strategies that will work all the time. A few pointers are shared in this article. See how they can be related to your particular context.

A Self Efficacy Driven Model

Internal Validation

Taking criticism as an attack on your being can make the recovery tougher. 

It is natural to look for validation from others during such weak moments. It’s of course great if you have a robust social support to bank on. But don't wait for the external validation. This is perhaps an opportunity to seek that validation internally. And at times, we may also have to accept to ourselves that we may have goofed up, and that we’re not perfect. The trick is to accept the fact, and simultaneously “shrug it off”, with a “So what?”!

A Wide-Angle View

Even as you acknowledge the missteps and mistakes, it is good to take a wide angle view! Do take notice (yourself to begin with) of what went well and whatever was done right. A balanced view helps you to regain your composure. This composure is right now in short supply. You need to fill the tank before it is completely emptied out. You need the right focus to work your way out of the current situation, after all.

Don't get trapped in the tyranny of labels. Sometimes, these are gifted by others. Often, we assume these labels ourselves. "I am not good enough, I am careless... ". Frankly, they don't serve any purpose. And if you've started liking that sense of victimhood, nobody can help you out of this situation!

Mental Games are okay, sometimes!

Yes, this is a mental game with yourself. Actually, the biggest battlefield is inside you right now. If you need to clutch on to the straws, so be it. It’s not your job to prove your cynics right! Spot the silver lining, the blessing in disguise… anything that helps you regain your composure in the short term, anything…Do deep breathing, walk around, drink water, eat superfoods for the brain. Soon, you've got to fire on all cylinders.

And of course, don't get stuck here. It’s time to use this little energy to start moving.

Take a Resource Based View for the way out + Candour:

What resources, competencies and support will help you move forward? Analyze the situation with a systems view diagram if needed. Look objectively at the outcomes, and the reality of the current situation. What inputs will take you to the outcome?

This is the time for brutal candor to yourself and with others. Not the time for mental games! So, generously make a note of limitations and constraints. But, with an extra question mark, so that you can figure out ways to work around them.

Special Tip! Avoid the perfection trap. So many have fallen by the wayside by getting hooked on to the lure of excess perfection. Also avoid the urge to "somehow fix for the time being"! Follow Stephen Covey's Importance/Urgency Matrix where feasible. Gives you a sense of perspective that's vital at this stage. 

Momentum starts the Moment you Shake off the Inertia

This is also a time to slowly re-build your confidence by choosing to embrace a sense of achievement. By achievement I don't mean the “crowning-glory-flashbulb-moments”. At this stage, if you can reframe even a minor step forward as a “victory” in your mind, you’ll do yourself a big favor. Yes, you've got to aggressively court the micro-wins at this stage.

So, you might need to talk to someone, checkout information on the net, learn something new… At this stage, take up some activity that will give you a sense of achievement, howsoever piffling it appears to be. This feeling of achievement is like life-giving oxygen now. Each win adds a small bit of extra confidence that more can get done! And that is worth its weight in gold.

The particular action may not mean much in the larger scheme of things. Staying stuck and feeling hopeless is also an option. And that can certainly “mean a lot” in the larger scheme of things!

This is the time to use pen and paper, and prepare “boring” lists of mini-actions and steps. The very act of preparing such a plan itself helps to divert you from the negative emotions. And each item that gets ticked off serves to raise your spirits higher bit by bit. If you have a friend who’s struggling in a crisis, help them make this plan, and support them in tracking too. That’s the greatest help you can do!

And of course, keep looking for more opportunities to make these micro-wins.

Teflon Coating is good at times!

Now, while you’ve got yourself busy chasing micro-wins, it isn't like being in a picture-perfect scene. There may still be a lot of criticism that’s coming your way. Some people like to drive home the same point in different ways, with innovative phrases, buzz words, confusing jargon and more repeated ad nauseum. They get a certain vicarious thrill from throwing their weight around. Life’s like that.

You have your plan of micro-wins, and you’re working on it. Perhaps there’s nothing much that you can do beyond that.

Time to make a powerful intention to yourself! These “pain-in-the-neck” obnoxious folks can’t be allowed to set the clock back. And that’s non-negotiable.

So, develop a thick skin if that’s the need of the hour. Acknowledge the criticism, but don't pay too much heed. Unless their criticism is helpful enough to alert you to certain things you may have overlooked. In the latter case, cut out the remaining part of the criticism, what I call the “background noise”. Take the valid points, and create some micro-win actions from them if possible. Teflon coated vessels may not be all that good for health. But a teflon coated thick skin can be good at times!

You may need to sometimes update the progress in the situation to these “drama-queen” critics. This is when all your composure needs to be kept intact. Stick to the facts, and convey the message in a cool matter-of-fact way. Don't oblige them by going off-course. Stand your ground with unmatched dignity. Not everyone can do it!

Frankly, it is in moments like these that you start winning over yourself! These are the real turning points. And you’ll remember them with pride, long after it is all done and dusted! And before you know it, you’re ready to embrace more challenges.

You have arrived!

Hear it out… & Express True Power

Sincere commitment and focused attention to hear someone out has the potential to transform relationships, both personal and professional. To accord that level of regard, you’ve got to be someone seriously comfortable in your own skin. Only those with genuinely powerful and strong personalities can pull it off convincingly. The rest can be spotted clumsily revealing their poor self-esteem, prickly egos, insecurities, self-doubts and also giving vent to their neediness in countless ways. Not surprisingly, with a spectacular lack of self-awareness.

True expression of power isn't for everyone. The most important signals can sometimes be inaudible for the clueless! Especially, when we aren't that tuned in to that part of the spectrum where real power resides!

How can we reclaim that power, listen better, and recharge our relationships?

Watch out for your Energy Projection

What is the kind of energy that you're projecting internally and to the outside world? Is it the kind that draws in people to engage with you? And then stay connected throughout the conversation, and beyond? Or is there a hint of disdain, impatience, or some thinly veiled anger or maybe even a sense of trepidation?  

Getting the energy projection right is vital to prepare oneself for effective listening. We can project our energy in numerous ways: thoughts, actions, words, and of course non-verbal signals. Remember, your words can’t do the trick always, as the surround “effects” can reveal a lot more than you thought! Your gaze, your posture, the congruence between your words and gestures… Everything counts! Nobody gets mightily excited talking to someone who looks morose sometimes, at times dull, and often indifferent! We may rush into a conversation, rush through a conversation of even rush out of a conversation. It shows! Whether you realize it or not, it still shows! People are able to tap into this energy with reasonable precision. Somehow, they do get it!

The question is, do you want to be the last person to know?

So, what can you do in order to get your energy projection tuned right?

Start with your Physical Stamina:

It certainly helps to ensure your stamina levels are raised enough to get you perked up for an important discussion or meeting. You might animatedly say that you do look forward to “catching up”. You don’t quite look the part though, when you show up all groggy with puffy eyes, and yawning away to glory. Nutritious food, physical activity, expanded chest, deep breathing and proper hydration are the simplest ways to check in with the right energy, stay alert and stay mindful. As they say in Hindi “Picture Abhi Baaki Hain”!

Well begun is half-done. Let's now deal with the other half!"

Form Emotional Outcomes

How would you like to feel at the end of the conversation? What state do you want to leave the other person in, post-interaction? While answering the latter, keep in mind your objective for the relationship. Do you wish to continue with a healthy & mutually respectful relationship?

How do you wish to come across to others? As a genuine, open minded person keen to establish mutual understanding, and at the same time, knowing when and how to assert? Not in a rush to gain approval from the other person. Of course you welcome the approbation, but don't crave for it!

It is important to know what emotional outcomes you are aiming for, both for yourself and others. That serves as an important sign-post. During the chat, it is possible you may feel agitated, annoyed, or even spaced out. You may feel those familiar sensations that go with strong unpleasant emotions. Before you respond, it is a good idea to check-in with the emotional outcomes you’d signed up for. Get your words, gestures, pauses, expressions, and if possible even thoughts, aligned with this outcome.

Remember, it only takes a moment of indiscretion for the interaction to veer off-course. And nothing worthwhile gets heard thereafter!

Now that our sign-posts are marked out, time to dive into the real action.

Genuine Presence, the Skill that Matters!

How do you demonstrate presence while listening to someone? So that you can listen at all levels. Decode what is said, and what is left incomplete. Read between the lines, but not get lost in hallucinations! Maintain rapport, but also stay grounded.

Again, this is not some wooly headed concept. Let’s see how this can be done. Also, let’s not get carried away by the general feel-good/do-good-think-good tempo of this article till now.

There are good people, and then there are others too. Especially while dealing with the latter, it is certainly a good idea to get a better “understanding” of the person. You’ll get critical insights into what’s driving them… and at times, even some of those chinks in their armor! More about it later in this section.

Ask & Get to Know

An attitude of curiosity and eagerness to learn about the other person puts you in a deep listening mode almost automatically. It is a conscious choice of self-effacement you can make. And, thereafter, the coolest thing to do would be to "recede" into the background. So, for now give up that need to listen to your own voice, and listen in. This is about the other person, and for now stop acting like a narcissistic Diva! Usually, folks who are desperate for some form of acceptance are the ones wanting to draw more attention to themselves. Be aware of the subliminal messaging that you might be doing without awareness!

Wanting to know more about the person, their ideas, opinions, interests, motivations, values, beliefs, frustrations, setbacks, their journey, their victories, their learning, what makes them proud of themselves, their achievements… there’s so much to know about a person… Even if you think you know the person pretty well. People evolve over time. Get them to talk about themselves!  

Acknowledge Similarities & Agreements

The quality of rapport increases when we are with "people like us". So, keep looking for things that seem to be common to you and the other person. Shared interests, ideas, concurring opinions, values, beliefs... There are so many things that may connect you to the other person. There may be many more where you differ significantly. But, for now, keep looking for things where there is agreement, it could be even inane things like "fear of flying", "love for mangoes".... Keep exploring, and as you discover more common areas, periodically make a "casual" mention about it.. "Ohh! You bet, even I hate it when kids keep yelling in the flight". Each time you do this, you're making a small but significant effort to reassure the person, that you are like them!

Of course, it is entirely possible to do exactly the opposite too. You can keep looking for areas of disagreement, and that too strong ones. And throw it at the other person to watch how far they become uncomfortable! You can spoil the rapport in no time!"

Turn OFF the "Know it Already" mode

The other important and related tip is to eschew the "Know it Already" mode. The moment the person starts making a point, we know what they're about to say. Like a clairvoyant, we even "know" what they don't want to reveal. It's time to wear that smug look to convey that "I know", "I simply know it”!

The real expression of personal power is when you do exactly the opposite. Even when you know that you know, you still manage to convince your inner self that “maybe there is a different dimension I might just discover”. So, “let me for a while at least, genuinely look for that new angle, the other variants of what I may only know partly”, for all we know! 

Explore the Thinking Behind the Words:

It can indeed be liberating when an open safe-space is available to express oneself. You can do this by asking open and non-leading questions whenever possible. This will help you discover multiple dimensions and angles, and the thinking behind their words.

Sometimes, they may even surprise themselves with their responses. 

Leading questions are those that are designed to elicit an almost pre-decided answer. It's as if you want to confirm your understanding/biases/assumptions, so you decided to "test" out your hypothesis. Sometimes, leading questions can make the person defensive, and even nervous.

Shhh!  Here comes a secret tip!

Keep the space wide-open. There can be other benefits too. Like, you may actually get people to let their guard down, and "communicate" well. They may end up "exposing" their hidden agendas, lack of understanding, lack of sincerity, obnoxious intentions, and so much more. Pay special attention to their non-verbal expressions and the congruence with what they say.

Ask yourself a simple question: “Did he/she really mean it”? And Keep looking. The eyes convey a lot more than all that platitudinal verbiage! And when you do get a “gut instinct” that something doesn't feel quite right, expand the open-space a bit more, and investigate with that same genuine curiosity and respect!

Congratulations! You may have just saved yourself many a hassle!

Working with Differences, Hot Buttons & Triggers

There are times when differences will crop up. Maybe, they say something that clashes with your values and beliefs, or even opinions. There may be particular expressions, words, terms, concepts, ideas, opinions that make you restless, annoyed, angry, or plain uncomfortable in multiple ways.

The tempo of your responses matters now. This is a minefield, and listening usually takes the backseat from here on. But you can avoid it by doing some amount of self-regulation.

Avoid making snide expressions, making judgmental counter-points, or raising provocative questions, and exclamations. Show them your understanding, and that you 'get it’, even though you may not be in agreement.

Be aware of your trigger points and hot buttons, and train your mind to avoid getting impacted by them. Or at least park your negative feelings for now. Acknowledge them mentally to yourself, and tell your mind you’ll revisit them later. The choice is for you to exercise, and buying time is a cool idea, so your mind doesn't run away with the emotions.

Have a doubt? Keep coming back to your sign-posts, the emotional objectives and intended outcomes for the relationship. And of course, be aware of their own lack of awareness, auto-programmed patterns of speaking, listening. If we can make these mistakes, so can they!

And Watch out! Who is enjoying the conversation BTW?

So, are you thoroughly enjoying this conversation, and feeling like you're having a whale of a time? Good.

This is the right time to get some important bit of understanding sorted out. You can mentally imagine that there's a traffic light that has just turned yellow! Ask yourself this simple question: "Is the other person also enjoying this chat, as much as I do?”

If you can get into the habit of checking in and getting a "sense" of who all are enjoying your conversation, you'll do yourself a big favour. Sometimes, we are so overcome with our excitement, that we forget to notice the subtle, and at times "in-your-face" signs that point to a simple fact: "Maybe, I am the only one enjoying this conversation”.

And that's a good point in time, to go back to the start of this article again!

Tune in, Listen & Express Real Power. And Get used to it!