Hi There! The Status Quoist Vampire is here

When was the last time you got your Vampire Radar cleaned and tuned up? To get a sense of how people play smart and devious games to keep you stuck in the status quo? Where myriad strategies of clever deceit get unleashed from often unexpected quarters, with ruthless precision and a sense of timing that's just deadly! I call these people “Status Quo Vampires”. Although they have several other laurels too to their credit, we’ll look at this aspect of the vampires for now.

No doubt, having a basic trust in fellow human beings is good. But, surely it also makes sense to avoid giving in to spectacular naïveté? Ignoring subtle, yet unmistakably clear signals can be suicidal, when you're up against smooth operators always ready with an extra ace up the sleeve.

As it often happens, life isn't about neat binaries of good and bad. It is the grey area where the real juicy story often unfolds. When the urge for self-preservation becomes paramount, even otherwise good-natured folks won't mind inhabiting this vast expanse of grey, for a while at least. Keeping your competitors and opponents trapped in quicksand is a strategy that's worked for eons! When power and pelf are at stake, the daggers shall get drawn eventually. Morals and lessons can wait!

Is your radar sharp enough to alert you to duck and cover before it's too late?

Let's explore and understand some of the strategies that vampires use to knock you over with a feather and less! It is fascinating to see how well we can manipulate others by playing on emotions. You might like to believe this doesn't happen in genteel circles. Yeah, Right!

These vampires are all around us. They maybe partners, spouses, siblings, colleagues, “friends”, or even “mentors”. It can be particularly harrowing when you get a part-time boss who’s also a full-time vampire!  

In this article, we’ll specifically look at how Status Quo Vampires manipulate others by playing on strong emotions and states. We’ll specifically look at these three strategies that work like (black) magic:

• Shame
• Guilt
• Complacency

For a change, I wont be sharing tips on how to wriggle out of these well-laid out traps. The idea is to become aware of these patterns. The only general advice is to develop a thicker skin, and train yourself to mentally laugh at the vampires. And make sure to hide those smirks too… for therein lies the hint to a solution, that might just work! We’ll have that etched out in greater detail in a separate article. Keep guessing!

The idea is not to launch a witch-hunt, but to arm yourself with awareness. And to let that awareness guide you.

Shame

Shame and embarrassment can cause people to activate all their defense mechanisms, and clam up big time. There are several situations where we’d do everything in our power to avoid the pain of public shame and embarrassment. Maybe it’s about particular weaknesses getting exposed, or being called out for your lack of certain competencies. Or, being tactful enough to have your mistakes stay out of sight. Or, even ensuring your lack of success isn’t splashed out on “prime time news”! This pain-avoidance of shame is a powerful away-from motivation in almost every human being. You knew it always, didn't you? Your competitors and opponents know it too, and they know how to exploit it “compassionately”!

Vampires are supremely intelligent beings! When the intention is to keep you stuck in status quo, it makes sense to play smart. Exposing you and pushing you over the edge isn't that smart, and they know it well. Because, that opens the field for possible direct confrontation. They aren't that interested in expending their energy in useless struggles and fights, even with "worthy" opponents. They know you can do that to yourself!

They'd rather have you running an endless marathon on the treadmill, in a constant struggle to avoid embarrassment and shame. To somehow keep up the pretense that you aren't getting disempowered. Or better still, get you to do everything possible to stay on their good books, yeah!

To keep you on the tenterhooks, they'll occasionally exclude you socially, and that too in a not-so-obvious way. Denying information can be very effective too, and often easy. So is the case with denying visibility to you, your efforts, and your achievements.

When they know you're craving for attention and recognition long denied, they've tasted blood! Not that they'll block these little indulgences totally, as that fails the smartness test! Once in a while you will get your little mercies, so relax! You get to keep just a wee bit of attention, recognition, inclusion, or acknowledgement, just enough for you to pine for it at all other times!

They'll look through you imperiously, refuse to acknowledge your greetings... even use your first name sparingly, preferring instead a supremely condescending "Hi There!” if that helps!     

And on that rare occasion when they change tack, aren't you feeling so thrilled..."Oh my God, he smiled at me today....Sigh...She stopped by to say Hi...He looked at me, while rushing to that meeting....Good heavens, the tide is turning...or, is it?" The vampire couldn't care less! They have you eating out of their hands and staying transfixed, exactly where they want you to be, the status quo. Why would anyone give up a life of unparalleled ease & comfort, when you're doing their bidding all the time?

Time to traipse around, to unleash the next strategy.

Guilt

Manipulating people into guilt-trips is another smart strategy used by Status Quo vampires. As is their wont, much of it is executed surreptitiously! As soon as you're spotted struggling with difficult situations, it's time to make the move(s)! 

The guidelines are pretty simple. Get you to own up to more than your share of mistakes; Minimize other factors that may have led to poor outcomes; Make other people indirectly "hint" at how you have wronged them or others; "Gently" ridicule/discredit your side of the story as a bunch of bull and convenient alibis; Play the "information rationing" game to selectively "leak out" your weaknesses, insufficient skills, cluelessness, lack of tact, and missteps, while carefully dodging your positives, or in the least making the positives look insignificant; Basically anything goes, so long as you feel inadequate in ways small and big... Well, it can't be that hard, isn't it?

The idea is to keep you stuck in self-doubt, self-blame and self-pity. A time comes when they notice that your confidence levels can't plummet further! Now's the time to don the hat of the "rescuer". To bring out their "magnanimous" side. To "show some concern & compassion", to make you feel indebted to them forever. Grateful that they helped you "arrest the slide"! Grateful that they "helped" you "sort out your life" and retrieve the situation! 

Now, don’t you dare step out of the "status quo” and aggravate the guilt and ingratitude. Stay there!

In fact, the vampire knows how to get you stay a bit longer than you thought… Go over to the next strategy!

Complacency

"Well done, keep it up"! Thus spake the benevolent lordships, and you're all over the moon! Is this chorus becoming too frequent for comfort? Well, you’re on to something big! Welcome to the "Complacency" strategy. Nicely designed to keep you stuck in situations that aren't beneficial for you in the long run. This one is a double whammy, and you'll see how.

The vampire of course, comes across as extraordinarily large hearted, even as you're beside yourself with joy. They'll generously appreciate you so you get stuck doing the same routine things over and over again. 

Often, the generosity is interspersed with other strategies we saw, like shame-avoidance and information asymmetry. So, there is a prolonged period where you're desperately hoping for some acknowledgement and praise, even as you're doing mundane things nobody else wants to do. Very often, you're kept out of the loop and denied access to vital information and updates. And then, the sluice gates of empty patronizing praise are opened, for a while. You're praised for "keeping the show running".  Your rational brain occasionally alerts you to the fact that there is little real progress in your life, in the long run especially.

Oh, come on! Even Keynes was so clear when he said that in the long run we are all dead. So, stop complaining. Go, write Thank You notes, and stay  right there!

As you can see here, the vampires are often very skilled in targeting you when you’re up against tough odds. The really toxic ones are those who do it with least effort, preferring instead to make you do the dirty work yourself!

Although, I am not sharing solutions here, let me just say this before signing off: 

It takes two to tango! 

And frankly, you might still be having options. Let’s check that out soon. In the meantime, look around, observe and become aware. 

And smile… compassionately at them… Their days are getting numbered!

Denouement: with More Understanding and Less Judgement

Another bout of relationship problems? A potentially great opportunity at work thrown away, yet again? You'd seen it coming, did you?

Well...

The ability to appropriately assess, evaluate and judge situations and people is no doubt a fundamental life-skill. But have we thrown caution to the winds, and perhaps worked a bit too hard on our judgement skills? It can be quite tempting to apply our filters, "casually" rush into snap judgements, and "save time", to regret at leisure later.

In other words, are we understanding less and judging more?

The danger of getting ensnared in a limiting worldview is very real, when we let this part of us go unhinged. We can easily misread signals, gloss over vital facts, make incorrect assumptions, allow biases and prejudices to run amok,  and simply pretend that we “know". The other extreme is when we become over-cautious and get into a compulsive “do-gooder” urge to appear “nonjudgmental”. In the latter case, we may get carried away to the extent that even legitimate issues may get ignored, and that too at great cost. Both extremes are fraught with danger. What’s worse, a lot of it happens without much awareness, like some kind of see-sawing auto-programmed impulsive behaviour.

Not that it always leads to poor results.  At times, Lady Luck can be extraordinarily generous. You still manage to somehow make things work and taste success. And that's precisely when when the bigger danger sets in. You're now convinced that the code is cracked, as you really "know it now".

It doesn't take too long for you to neatly slot people, ideas and situations into boxes and categories. A smug self-righteousness of the malignant kind rears its ugly head very soon! Armed with your own formulae and toolkits, you are now a force to reckon with. At least you've convinced yourself about that, and you just can't go wrong. Time to up the stakes and go for the kill with more audacious goals, targets and some more risks too. But alas, not every situation is the same. At some stage, the plans and formulae do come unstuck.

But turning the gaze inward is not the typical reflex action we love, right? Having come this far, it's natural to try flogging the formulae just a bit further. What you haven't noticed though is that the ground beneath has shifted. Years (and more) of skewed perspectives and patterns finally take a toll. This much at least is evident from the outcomes you now seem to be getting. By the time you (if at all) get a sense of the damage inflicted, it's too late already. Somehow the midas touch is replaced by a spell of horrid misfortune, and you're struggling to regain the momentum.

Talking about the aftermath, consider yourself lucky if you can actually get to the stage of genuine reflection of what went wrong. What exactly was the inflection point from where you missed the plot completely? If this exercise is undertaken with honesty and compassion to oneself, it has the potential to liberate your thinking. And going forward if you can manage to keep the door slightly open to allow for a more nuanced understanding, you'd do yourself a big favour. And also avoid overplaying your hand. That in itself is worth its weight in gold!

So, how can we get there?

Acknowledge & Scan the Territory

The most important step is to recognize your own tendency to be extra judgmental. A reasonably clear indication is when you detect very strong negative feelings about another person, an idea or a situation. On a Scale of 0 to 10, the intensity of this feeling might be 8+. That's a good indication that you are in the process of passing "strictures" and "judgements" that may or may not be appropriate. No harm in stepping back, and taking a second look.

An important tip: practices that help you stay grounded in present moment awareness can also give you a better feel for this process. Your internal radar will give you ample signals and signs.

Use this wake-up call to commit yourself to evolving a broader understanding. It’s a great start if you can make this commitment to yourself at this stage.

The Feelings and Concerns

A strong judgmental streak may go hand-in-hand with intense feelings. There are folks who can also do this in a clinically detached (almost ruthless) manner without explicitly displaying such strong feelings. But, there could be more than meets the eye!

So, it is good to examine what lies beneath, and also drives these judgements. As we do this, we also turn the gaze inward for a while. This is not to suggest that we alone are at fault. Rather, the idea is to only gain a wider perspective.

Sometimes, our judgements are an extension of our own insecurities, anger, fears, disappointments, frustrations, weaknesses and unpleasant aspects of our personalities. Some of the judgements are likely to come from our past experiences, and observations we have made. Our prejudices and biases can also lead to unhealthy judgmental habits. Perhaps,  you end up unjustly holding on to a past experience and its emotional toxicity. Or, maybe you feel very strongly that something is genuinely out of order. For example, you have this "gut feel" that someone is up to some ugly mischief. These are the big red flags.

Insecurity for instance can be a tough nut to crack, especially if we like to believe we are "strong" and "unflappable". Or at least project that image to others. Coming to terms with our insecurity can be a scary prospect. What if it increases one's vulnerability? "What if it makes me look weak or incapable”?

Some of your concerns and apprehensions may be valid and legitimate, and maybe these negative emotions you're experiencing are big red flags crying for attention.

Make notes about all these points in this section. Capture all the clues, signals, concerns and insights. Specifically, jot down unhelpful thinking patterns and assumptions that are driving these feelings and concerns.

Know the Pitfalls & Impacts

It is important to have clarity about the dangers of not keeping the judgmental streak in check. List out potential impacts at multiple levels: dysfunctional, defensive and territorial behaviors in relationships, poor collaboration, failure to capitalize on strengths, lack of trust, sub-optimal outcomes… The impacts can be devastating. Spend some time reflecting on these unflattering and unappetizing possibilities.

Two very important questions to ponder over:

• What benefits, advantages and outcomes are you losing out on, by persisting with these judgmental habits, biases, prejudices, beliefs, and dysfunctional patterns?
• How will you gain, by taking a slightly different, or even a radically different line of thinking?

Continue recording your observations, insights and pointers.

Know the Differences

Differences in value systems, priorities, beliefs, attitudes, customs and even approaches to problem solving can lead to poor understanding and low tolerance for diversity. We may end up making generalized and mostly useless assumptions about others.

Here again, awareness is the key to a broadening of mindset. It will not happen overnight. Train yourself to recognize and appreciate these differences.

The next important step is to look for the common ground. A finer understanding of differences will actually help you seek out and define that common ground. Gradually, you’re setting the stage for disentangling yourself from highly restrictive thinking patterns.

Get the FACTS Sorted

You might have surely noticed that a certain process of de-layering has been put in place in the preceding sections. This is the right time to critically examine the facts, and weed out biases, prejudices, exaggeration and all the drama. By the time you reach this section, you’ll be more adept at smoking out a lot of the fluff!

Also, note down facts and data you may have overlooked (intentionally, or unintentionally). This process definitely calls for high self awareness and self regulation. As I've written in other articles, it is important that you don't damn yourself in the process. Instead, start by acknowledging that we aren't perfect.

A few questions to ponder over:

• What am I refusing to see?
• What am I refusing to let go?
• What if my understanding is no longer valid?
• What if my past experience is not relevant anymore?

While you sort out the facts, it is a good idea to examine the vocabulary and lingo used to frame your understanding.

Edward De Bono used to warn about the danger of "word-traps". Words and phrases are no doubt the basic building blocks of communication. But they can also get us ensnared in a very limited understanding of what's happening around us. We may limit ourselves to "look at the world in a particular way". For example, when someone starts presenting a new idea do we hear statements like "That's a brilliant idea, but it's the same as what we've been doing all this while”? De Bono is of this opinion that the killer phrase “the same as” has killed more good ideas than any other form of response!

So, be very mindful of the phraseology that goes with the sorting of facts. I personally recommend using “What IF” and “What Else” instead of “the same as”. It has the potential to open up many possibilities, at least mentally!

Secret BONUS Tip:

Your ability to listen deeply, with empathy and a genuine desire to understand the other person will be a great asset in this quest for a broader perspective. So, take out time to learn and practice high impact listening skills.

The DEAL Breakers

As mentioned earlier, our patterns of judging others can be quite varied. We may also at times become maniacal in our desire for propriety and political correctness. To the extent that you may want to avoid this entire activity of evaluating/assessing/judging altogether. This can also emerge as a blind spot. Watch out so that your earnest desire to appear as “accommodative or inclusive” doesn't lead to guilt-trips and compulsive do-goodery!

Make sure you draw clear red lines and articulate what constitutes a “deal-breaker”. All the homework you’ve meticulously done in the preceding sections has set the right pace for some of this tough demarcation.

Lack of Clarity about “No-Go” zones has the potential to create misunderstanding with hopelessly mismatched assumptions. Sure, these tough conversations for articulating your red lines aren't going to be too pleasant. But you know pretty well that a stitch in time saves nine! So, don't delay the tough conversations!

What you’d like to see

With all the understanding that’s emerged so far, it’s time to define clear outcomes and set specific expectations. This is also the time to commit yourself to meaningful and well-thought-out strategies and actions going forward.

As you shift the focus towards outcomes and possibilities, the diminishing returns from excess judgements becomes all too obvious! And you have a working model now to channel it effectively. You’re not limited by the experiences of the past.

While you’re at it, occasionally do mull over these questions:

• What part of the outcome can I keep flexible?
• What part of the outcome am I open to changing?
• What conclusions have I made from past observations/experiences?
• What is the benefit of looking beyond those observations/experiences?
• What will make me more happy, satisfied, confident, relaxed, and optimistic?
• What about others?

It helps to routinely remind yourself about this attitude of flexibility and responsible openness! You’ll soon reap the benefits of your twin strategy of embracing more understanding and indulging in lesser judgement!

Letting go with grace: Dealing with Relationship Failures and Setbacks

"It's Complicated" for sure: Break-ups, estrangement and separation can often be hard and quite unsettling. That is true not just for romantic relationships, but even for those of of the filial, sibling and plain ol' friendly kinds. Most of us have this very basic need and desire for acceptance and affiliation, and for social bonds. That may even be the case for some who pretend to be loners. A nasty falling-out often leaves a trail of emotional destruction and heartburn, and at times intense pain that can take a long time to heal.

The hurt and pain may get exacerbated by feelings of betrayal, anger, denial, jealousy, hopelessness, sorrow, fears, anxieties and insecurities of many hues, suppressed guilt, embarrassment, shame,  and so many more unwholesome feelings. As I had explained in some of my earlier articles, certain emotions may even get camouflaged in different ways. For instance, a show of intense fury may in fact be a rather lousy cover for insecurity and shame. Scratch beneath a person's sorrow, and you may discover exceptionally high levels of toxic jealousy.

Apart from the immediate emotional turmoil, broken relationships can have far-reaching consequences. The bitterness, if internalized may arouse near-malignant behavioural traits and destructive patterns. It may become tough to build trusting, wholesome relationships or equations with others. Health indices often go haywire with harmful coping mechanisms. There may be knock on effects on other areas of life, especially on the career front. And the damage may not just be limited to the particular relationship that has gone bad. Friends, relatives, colleagues and others are dragged in and out of situations leading to much consternation all around. To hell and (hopefully) back, there's many a journey to be taken!

In this article, let's explore ways and means by which people can cope better. And don't stop there. I'd go a few steps further and urge you to take it as a challenge to discover a new you!

Acceptance of the Situation

We may have embraced technology and comforts like never before in history. But in matters of the heart and emotions, doesn't look like our evolution is something to be particularly proud of!

Failures in relationships can be very hard to come to terms with.

In the immediate aftermath, it isn't that uncommon to see people see-sawing between denial and fantasy. Denial of what often wasn't really that much of a shock; Many of us have seen it coming, but hope and pray for some miraculous recovery, just like in the movies.

Denying the situation altogether, desperately fighting with vital facts and clues,  clutching at the straws and hoping against hope, living in absurd fantasy and near hallucination about likely comeback and pushback scenarios, imagining various permutations & combinations… All this while the relationship is clearly slipping through the fingers.

A broken relationship is often taken as a personal invalidation of sorts. For many, it’s a form of rejection that can be felt almost at a visceral level. Hence, some of these initial reactions aren't surprising.

It’s very easy to say that the sooner we can traverse through this, the better. Yeah, right!

It is almost like an unwritten rule of nature that many things must come to an end, or at least change form, shape, texture and character. Holding on to something that's well past its sell-by date can only stop you from moving ahead. It could mean giving up and embracing the new at several levels and layers.

The key to acceptance is Perspective.

Perspective:

Perspective can be a great leveler enabling us to step back, step out and take a new look at the situation. Once you’ve at least mentally acknowledged the facts, move quickly in this direction. Maybe it is indeed at least the end of a phase in the relationship, if not a permanent rupture. A closure and mental resolution of this phase is important, but perhaps not with anger and hatred? Victimhood and Self Flagellation are options that you can easily fall for. You have every right to feel betrayed, and to feel all those hundred shades of negative emotions!

Accept that there are these warts & moles no doubt, in you and in others too; No one is perfect; Neither you nor them. But, as you seek out a richer understanding, wouldn't it be better not to be weighed down by all this negativity and frustration? You may have loved that exotic and expensive bone china set. Once it's broken, maybe it is better to leave it forever?

Leaving the door open (not what you think!)

At this stage, the most important thing you can do is to take a decision to stay open to revising this understanding and perspective. Know that almost everyone goes through such situations, and you aren't alone. You may not be particularly vulnerable in a peculiar way either. Perspective in the midst of such churn can be muddied, and be aware of this simple fact. There’s no need to rush into any decision to forgive or forget. Just don't give them the permission to put you where you don't want to be!

But get this simple fact registered in your mind, that you’re going to be slightly better off at least, by staying open to revising and updating this picture. If you can manage to leave this door slightly open, you’ll increase the chances for a more healthy form of acceptance.

Understand and acknowledge that it isn't something you can simply walk away from in an instant. But it may not be as horrendous as you imagine either. Also, the acceptance may happen in stages, and may take quite some time to get through. Allow it…

The realization that at certain levels, you are much beyond all this, will seep into your consciousness in due course of time.

Strengthening yourself at multiple levels.

Even as you’re getting to terms with the acceptance story, it is important to start strengthening yourself at mental, emotional and physical levels.

The last is often the most ignored. Take your pick: binge eating, starvation, excess intoxication, “revenge hook-ups with a vengeance”, plain old bottling up (for explosion at inopportune times), drowning in sorrow and neediness, attention seeking tantrums of diverse kinds including subconsciously manifesting illnesses (yeah, it happens!), irregular sleeping patterns and insomnia, mixing with wretched souls who love feasting on other peoples’ woes … There’s a lot that can be done to hasten your meltdown! 

A predictable schedule in your day-to-day life is a great antidote to this one-way ticket to hell. Plan in activities of various kinds that can serve two purposes:

• Keep your mind positively occupied, and away from the melodrama
• Give you a sense of achievement as each task gets completed

These activities may vary from the mundane to the meaningful. Go for a diverse mix, so you don't strain yourself.

The sooner you can install a routine, you’ll find it easier to get your life back on track. It’s not for nothing that the wise folks talk about idle minds and a certain devil’s workshops!

Don’t obsess over predictability alone; Blend in a few juicy bits of the occasional un-predictability too. Yes, not everything goes as per plan, but be open to a few changes that can break the monotony.

Want to make the schedule even more benign and wholesome? Go to the net, and do some research on easy healthy eating options (smoothies, juices, salads, or whatever). Get yourself away from that sitting position, take a walk, give your body a nice little stretch, spend time in contemplation not brooding and self-pity, away from the comforts of that lazy couch… There’s so much indeed that can elevate your mood and energy, and give you that extra bit of stamina. And also, delegate some work to your parasympathetic nervous system, to allow for renewal and rejuvenation. More on that later, in a different article!

Keeps you robustly well toned for the next round of acceptance too!

Relationship with SELF: Grow into the New YOU!

One of the most fascinating outcomes awaits you once you’ve got sorted out with a certain level of acceptance of the situation. This can often be an opportunity of a lifetime, where setbacks and failures are merely treated as temporary landing points, even as you’re poised to take off for good tidings! A few suggestions are given below:

Choose your Desired Emotional Goalposts

As you move away from this situation, it is a good idea to keep in mind how you’d like to feel going forward. The transition may seem next to impossible at times, considering where you’ve started the journey from!

So, what emotions do you like in that (hopefully) near and distant future?

Hope, Optimism, Trust, Confidence, Courage, Focus, Acceptance, Love. Not a complete list. You’ve some homework to do!

Surely, more of these seem like a good idea, even if you have no clue how to get there. That’s fine. Take up any action or activity that can give you even a modicum of experience of at least three of these positive emotions. Maybe, you’ll need to get support from others too, and that can’t be bad either, isn't it? Go ahead, and find out ways and means to get those experiences.

This will also help you steel yourself against harmful emotional states and experiences, insults, harsh words, disrespect, and so many like them! It’s not always possible after all that you’ll be allowed to transition so smoothly into these positive goalposts. Now that you’ve got your ready reckoner available, you’ll regulate yourself and the situation in style!

In the Bhagawad Gita, Lord Krishna tells Arjuna about the need to eschew some of our essential ‘samskaras’ and ‘vasanas' that often hold us back and prevent us from progressing in life. Every step that can take you away from them has the potential to liberate you and make you grow into the new YOU!

Short Term Stability vs Long Term Radical Change

It is also important to note that as you seek to outgrow this experience, you aren't exclusively taking a maintenance project approach to “just keep the show running”! If you genuinely want to emerge stronger, it is important to be open to long term radical change.

The maintenance approach might give you short term stability, and this is of course essential so you don't fall over totally. But, train yourself to take a close and at times hard look at life, your priorities, the nature of alignment to your value system, the very purpose of your life and so much more. Surely, leaving all of them just as they are can’t be the best way to outgrow these experiences?

Remember we spoke about perspective? Well, now’s the time to get to the meaty part of perspective. In your contemplative zone, as you grapple with some of these bigger and vital questions about the direction of your life, that simple statement “I am much bigger than this failure and crisis” acquires a whole new meaning and depth, don't you think so?

Moving from the Past to the Present to the FUTURE

And before you resolve to move forward into those exciting opportunities in the future, imagine seeing yourself in the middle of a long highway, somewhere between the past and the future, and then, think about these questions too:

• What do you wish to take along?
• How would you like the FUTURE to PAN out?
• Isn't it better to pick what's worth defending, and trash the rest?
• And explicitly let go of the hurt and the betrayal, and all those sick feelings?
• And instead make a decision to safeguard your self worth.
• And while we’re at it, how about routinely permitting yourself to enjoy the experiences that you want, and which will take you to a better place/state of mind? 

There’s a limited space memory card after all!

And as you keep moving, there’ll be points of time, when those familiar negative feelings bubble up again:

Time to choose wisely: What to retain and what to leave out:

The positive memories of the relationship (if any), experiences, the lessons learnt (particularly from the challenges, setbacks, failures and negative experiences), the great moments, the achievements, your own growth as a person, your enhanced understanding of situations and people.

On your Memory Card, which memories will be allowed to dominate?

The positive and enriching experiences + lessons and wisdom gained OR the negative and draining feelings, insults and harsh judgements?

The idea is not to forget in a hurry, or even ignore what you went through.

But to choose to load the kind of images and emotions that will keep you in a "resourceful" frame of mind. If the other person had deliberately hurt you, aren't you running their agenda by re-activating and re-playing those feelings of hurt?

The main question is "How can it be done differently”? You are indeed far beyond this, right?

All of this calls for the occasionally quality Me-Time: 

That’s the finest investment you can ever hope to make. The finest strength is what you can unleash from within. Everything else can only be an add-on option. Why do you want to settle for the second best? When, this could be the chance to find out strengths that you never knew existed in you!

So, don’t allow this one area in life to block out all other experiences and possibilities. Take your power, and Exercise your power. Purposely generate feelings of Acceptance, Gratitude, Unconditional Love, Compassion, Forgiveness towards people & things around you, beyond you. Take help liberally from your support system. Appreciate the positives in others too, and pretty soon, it’s more than obvious to you that you’re happening!

Go ahead, and release that pain in style!