BELIEFS Demystified: Grab those Enriched Outcomes!

A couple of weeks back, I had a heated argument with a good friend of mine on the idea of popularizing “work-from-home” options. I’ve always believed that “work-from-home” is the future of work. And my reasons are pretty much inline with what’s been trotted out ad-nauseam by the votaries of “work-life-balance”. Besides, there’s only so much that our urban infrastructure can cope with, isn't it?

Well my friend isn't exactly a diehard workaholic or a tyrannical manager! Just that he believes that face-to-face contact is absolutely must for teams to be effective. He’s also had unpleasant experiences on some occasions when work-from-home didn't exactly yield the promised results. He had to give in to the constant pressure from his HR department at that time to pilot it with a few of his staff. Sufficiently chastened by that “expected let-down”, he is wary of any talk about work-life-balance these days.

We found ourselves ranged against each other with our respective arguments, facts, insights and plenty of rhetoric! After an hour, we had to cut-short our discussion and agree to disagree, as neither of us was willing to budge! We felt drained out by the end of it. As an afterthought, I’ve convinced myself that the discussion was on very civil lines. Well, almost I’d say!

As I reached home that evening, I was thinking about the entire experience. How did a not-so-contentious topic like this lead to such an animated and spirited discussion? We weren't discussing some ultra-controversial political or religious topic. So, what was it that made the discussion so extraordinarily intense? Certainly, there were some strong beliefs that were driving our arguments and positions. Strong enough to activate our emotional brains too! Of course we managed well, and didn't allow the emotional centers to take over! Anyways, I spent the better part of the following Sunday afternoon jotting down some points and thoughts. And that brings me to this article on understanding and working with our beliefs.

How beliefs impact us:

Your beliefs have a great sway over your attitudes, behaviors, actions and thereby the outcomes you create in your life. We’d discussed this earlier in my article on Systems Thinking and the Iceberg Model. Experiences and perceptions significantly impact the process of belief formation. Repeated occurrence of events or patterns of events may also reinforce some of your beliefs.

Typically, many of our auto-responses to situations and triggers in life are driven strongly by our underlying beliefs and also values. As it becomes part of your “nature”, most of this happens unconsciously. Of course it simplifies your life to a great extent. Imagine having to check with your belief system before making every single decision in day-to-day life. Do you believe medium bristles are best for your toothbrush? For every day, or only twice a week? It might be late afternoon by the time some of us get to breakfast on a not-so-busy day!

Step out of your immediate life situations, and you’ll see almost every conflict in the world is driven by competing beliefs, ideas and at times irreconcilable positions. We’ve gone to wars galore and inflicted untold misery on each other for the sake of our beliefs. The important question is, “Do we sufficiently appreciate the impact that our beliefs have on us?”. Do we even recognize our important beliefs? Especially the plain vanilla ones that aren't so noticeable!

Neuroscience research has highlighted that when we perceive a significant threat to our core beliefs, our brain may even experience an amygdala hijack. It may trigger the fight or flight response as a reaction to a situation that is perceived to likely go out-of-hand. Of course our brains have this amazing power to keep us safe from a speeding truck or a mad man running amok with a shovel. Potential threats to some of our strongly held beliefs can also trigger the same part of our brain. Giving a chance to the rational center of the brain to help us neatly think through the situation may not be such a high priority always.

Now, look at our modern lives where Twitter and Facebook have ensured that we’re instantly told about tsunami warnings, labour unrest, stock market fluctuations, murderous conflicts and so much more on a 24X7, nay, nanosecond basis. We’re all talking and sharing information, and often feverishly arguing like a bunch of rambunctious kids in kindergarten! Imagine the hyperactivity that our brains are experiencing non-stop!

It is of course good to have beliefs that drive you to take well thought out action, to chase your goals with single-minded focus. But it’s true that some beliefs may have less-than-salutary effects on our decision making capabilities. Heard of fanatical obsession? More on that later! Now that we have scratched the surface, let’s go further.

In this article, I’m presenting a model that we can use to recognize, understand, validate and even challenge our beliefs.

Recognizing Beliefs:

There is something that makes you feel very strongly about. It could be a particular change management process, a crucial decision or strategy. You believe you have the answers clearly sorted in your mind. However, others aren't buying your ideas yet! That’s frustrating. And you see no reason to budge. You'd like to get a better perspective. This is a good time to check out what beliefs are driving some of these views, perspectives, attitudes and behaviours. You may want to do this for yourself, and also for others. Helps with improving relationships, as you’ll figure out.

To begin, answer this question:

What exactly makes you think that you are right?

 I believe this is the right way to go about solving this, because_______________________

I believe that wont work, because ________________________________

Write down all your associated beliefs (or at least 3-4)  that make you feel very strongly about this. Don’t limit yourself to this template. Jot down all the keywords, points and factors that come to your mind. Make a note of any associated feelings/emotions that you experience when these beliefs and points occupy your mind-space. In fact watching out for strong emotions can help you uncover some of your strongest beliefs. When do you think such strong emotions get aroused? Usually when these beliefs are likely to be violated, challenged or disproved. We aren't gonna let that pass, just like that! Stop and feel those emotions, and ask yourself what’s the underlying belief! 

You’ll soon realize that your beliefs are rarely going to fit into black-and-white simplistic formats. There are nuanced layers that reveal themselves like the layers of an onion! Fret not! At this stage, if you’ve managed to draw even a simple mindmap with your beliefs and some of the keywords, that’s great. How frequently do we even get this far?

Examine the Beliefs:

Next, let’s go one layer deeper, or maybe even further! It is time to get a clearer picture of what’s behind these beliefs. Experts in the field of Neurolinguistic Programming(NLP), often talk about the “Model of the World” that is unique to each human being. In simple words, it is how we have “figured out” the world around us and our relationship with the same. It is influenced by our experiences, perceptions and understanding about everything around us. How we dress, communicate, eat, work, interact with others, and live our lives. All of these and more are colored by our Model of the World. In turn these experiences impact the model as well. What’s important to note at this stage is that many of our beliefs are a function of our model of the world.

For instance, you may believe that people from a certain country speak or behave in a certain way when meeting unmarried mothers. Maybe only part of that is true. It may even be totally erroneous. But somewhere, you have used information gathered via hearsay or anecdotes or real experience or research (or in a zillion other ways!) to “figure out & mentally place” people from this country. Every time you meet them or even think about these folks, this construct pops up in your mind. Up until now, things are still fairly in control. But, consciously and often unconsciously this belief starts impacting some of your thoughts and actions. And that’s where the problem starts. Because now, the belief is no longer remaining as a theoretical entity in your mind.

So, it is important to be aware of how this model of the world can get corrupted. I’m listing down a few points here, and wont go into all the details for now.

• Altered Reality based on our own biases, prejudices and stereotypes. These may come from several sources. But they do exist. Good to admit this secretly to yourself at least!
• Fears and Insecurities: Maybe it is the potential loss of certainty and control as we venture out into the unknown. It could be fear of change, failure or even what success entails.
• Outlier Experiences: Something has gone wrong terribly and unusually so. We ignore the “unusual”, focus on the “terrible” part and arrive at generalized perspectives. We may discount some of the positives, exaggerate the negatives and pretty much create a whole new narrative in our heads! Yes, the Model of the World is all in our heads, often unexamined and left to fester! You can of course do the same with extremely positive experiences too. Maybe create a fantasy world of utopian heightened expectations sans proportion, based on one or two good outcomes. Perhaps me and my friend may have used a few positive and negative experiences of “work-from-home” to arrive at exaggerated notions and beliefs of success and disaster!
• The “RAGGING” principle: Now this is something I’ve noticed a lot in some leaders and managers. Remember in college seniors would rag their juniors because that’s what they went through as freshers? Similarly, some of our leaders believe that time has frozen around certain milestones in their lives. When you think you are the center of the universe such delusions aren't unusual. So it’s okay to believe that the “blockbuster formula” that worked in “our olden golden days” are timeless masterpieces that are applicable in every damn situation and context! Did you just say that the angel of ego must’ve played a part too? Not bad, you’re getting there!

So far, we’ve identified, explored and examined our beliefs to some extent. At this stage, there could be significant clarity and some confusion too! After all, the mind does get a bit rattled when some of the simplistic reductionist mental maps are challenged. It’s important that you stay strong at this point! Even though it can be oh-so-tempting to revert to the old patterns of thinking.    

Enriched Outcome Orientation & Action

Remember, we spoke about beliefs impacting our decisions? Now that we have examined and explored the underlying beliefs to an extent, let us use this awareness in formulating better decisions. The operative phrase I’d use here is “enriched outcome”. My friend and me were both looking at on-time and good quality deliverables as an obvious expectation whether people work from home or from office. How about enriching that outcome description with a few additional aspects like “upbeat work ethos”, “creative thinking”, “stress resilience”? Not every situation may need such enrichment. But certainly many do! And we know it only too well, don’t we?

Enriched Outcome = Expected Outcome + Things that make this a truly Exciting & Worthwhile experience

Great leaders have a natural feel for enriched outcomes. Because they know that the enriched outcome in the very least can act as a bulwark against brutal uncertainties.

Paint an exciting picture of the enriched outcome. Make a collage of bright pictures and vibrant images. Rich mind-maps are also great to have! Describe the outcome in sufficient detail with powerful words. You can even add in your metrics now. It’ll just blend in rather than stick out like a sore thumb!

Now, it’s time to again take a look at your beliefs that have been demystified a wee bit in the previous section. Go back to the beliefs and identify those that are naturally aligning with your enriched outcome. Don't yet discard the others. Ask yourself what is required to address the underlying concerns that will remain if this belief isn't incorporated? What support systems, processes and approaches can help you address and factor in these too into your plan for the enriched outcome? Pay close attention to some of the ways in which the model of the world may have got corrupted. Again, isn't that a great input for you now? Maybe a few additional governance procedures? Why not? After all, you really want the enriched outcome, don't you?

As you can see here, what’s most exciting at this stage is that conflicting beliefs and their underlying assumptions can all be looked at in a mature non-threatening manner. That’s the power of this level of self awareness. More so, when you’ve already anchored yourself to the enriched outcome. It’s no longer about you and your obsessive compulsions. At stake is the vibrant imagery that you painted and the exciting outcome you just fell in love with!

Want to know a few secret tips?

Check out the culture and ethos that you’re promoting. To what extent are you encouraging people to embrace risk appetite? Is there an environment that fosters open communication, healthy dissent and divergence. At the same time, are there ground rules in place that prevent chaos and free-for-all? For more ideas you can read my article on Risk Appetite 

As an aside, take a look at the following diagram that illustrates a typical map of moving from problems to solutions.

As you look at the problem, do you see P1, P2 or P3? When you formulate the outcome what do you see there? O1, O2 or O3? Will the solution S1 necessarily get you to O1? Or would you rather do it differently?

Think about it. And while you are at it, maybe it’s a good idea to examine the assumptions, and beliefs that maybe making P3 look like P1. When you look at the model of the world, are there some hints worth pursuing? Were you likely to settle for O2, when O3 was well within your reach, if only you’d wanted it? Go ahead and demystify your beliefs. Many possibilities will open up! All the Best!

SPEAK WISE: Just get on with the Tough Conversations!

There are many among us who tend to shy away from hard and unpleasant conversations. We secretly hope that other people ‘get the message’ somehow. It may seem ‘easier’ than taking the trouble of telling them and upsetting them. We like being liked after all. What a relief it can be when problems miraculously get fixed on their own!

Inability to express unpopular opinions and tough messages can make you look weak and unsure. You may even be seen as a pushover. If left unaddressed, it has the potential to damage us in many ways. Especially when we discount our own priorities and best interests for the sake of “peace” in relationships. The biggest danger is that it may lead to poor self-esteem, and plenty of stress that gets bottled up.

The problem may be seen in personal and professional domains of life. In this article, we’ll look specifically at our professional relationships.

Maybe you face this problem while interacting with direct reports. For some, it may be peers or higher-ups. Others struggle to assertively disagree with customers and business associates. And then there are some who bottle up all that anger and negative feelings. This can’t go on forever; A point is reached where they snap, and how! The melodrama of the moment can be nerve-wracking to everyone around.

Well, the modern workplace is only getting more complex, and your organization is typically working with partners, customers and staff around the globe. Some of you manage virtual teams, which is simplifying and complicating things at the same time. There may even be some cultural influences. Asian societies for instance have a preference for high-context communication styles. We may like unpleasant messages to be inferred whenever possible. We like to be in the goods books of others, especially elders and peers. We’ve always cherished our polite deferential mannerisms, haven't we, especially in South Asia?

Having said that, most of us loathe the feeling of not being in control, and being perceived as weak. You don't want to be seen as lacking self-esteem and self-worth. The good news is that you can change these habits with some persistence. Potential rewards overshadow the pain in a big way. Avoiding the pain may seem an easy way out for the time being, but can be self-sabotaging in the long run.

But, the problem is that most of us aren't trained in doing this properly. And what’s worse, we may also be lacking in having a wide choice of role models in our organizations across varied relatable contexts and roles.

Firmness is a celebrated trait, alright. But do we sometimes confuse firmness with the “almost boorish” behaviour of so-called “tough” bosses? Many of you have seen people “getting results” by being “tough” on them who may otherwise “shirk work”. We may have normalized such dysfunctional behaviors without realizing the huge costs involved. Over a period of time, the toxicity unleashed by these interactions becomes part of the system. We may even assume that this is how it works! 

Luckily, each one of us knows at least a few honorable exceptions. They stay calm and centred, are very effective in marshaling important facts, use carefully chosen words, refuse to easily get drawn into a reactive mode, express their displeasure succinctly, listen carefully, and still guide the conversation to effective outcomes. They speak with candour, and are adept at spotting evasive replies, and know how to regain the focus pretty well. And most importantly, they make sure that they don't leave the other person feeling miserable and crushed at the end. And you know, that stands out for sure. Even when you’ve been at the receiving end, you walk away with a feeling that you were given a fair hearing as well. Is it tact or is there a strategy at work here? And more importantly, is it all that tough to be like those few much-admired folks?

For leaders, developing this skill is of paramount importance. Each move of yours is being watched by others in challenging situations. People admire bosses who are approachable yet firm, setting the pace with a clear and unflappable demeanor. It inspires confidence, trust and a sense of purpose that motivates them to pull in their weight with enthusiasm. They are looking up to you for direction and eagerly want the reassurance that they’ll be in safe hands when the going gets tough.

That sense of direction also requires you to define exacting standards. As captain of the ship, your team is looking at you to be the flag-bearer for those standards. An overly affiliative leadership style may not be the best way to go about doing it. You will need to deal with deviations by administering some truth-serum shots and liberal doses of plain-speaking! But, Wait! Don’t rush off with wild abandon, overplaying your hand while doing this. Many ill-prepared leaders have burnt their fingers and bridges with their temper tantrums. They’re blissfully unaware of the ripple effect of their emotions (good and bad, more so the latter) on team morale and even results in the long term.

The “SPEAK WISE” Model may give you some useful answers and ideas! Use it whenever you want to have a round of productive hard-talk that leaves you and others in a better place.

1. Stick to Facts

2. Pause and Proceed: Timing and context Matters

3. Emotional Stability

4. Align for Rapport, not People Pleasing!

5. Keep it Authentic

6. Ward off Defensiveness

7. Install the Future!:  Outcome & Future Orientation

8. Secure Commitment to Action

9. Enable Change: Follow-up Structure

Stick to Facts

Ensure that you gather all important facts before talking to the person. What is the situation at the moment? What was the expectation, and what is the gap? Is there something worse likely to happen? Is the problem less severe than you had feared? Are your assumptions valid, or is there something missing? What has gone right? Are there any positives that stand out?

Getting yourself up-to-date with all important facts ensures that you get a thorough understanding of the issues at hand. Also, this exercise allows you to slow down and reflect better, rather than flying off the handle!

Pause and Proceed: Timing and context Matters

Are you sure you are picking the right time for the discussion? Is it important to have it right away, or can it wait? Where do you want the discussion to take place? In your workspace/office or in a neutral venue, like a conference room, or cafeteria (when no one’s around)? Give it serious thought. Sometimes, a neutral place can be less intimidating, and the person might just feel more open to a productive discussion. After all, that’s what you want as well, right?

Emotional Stability

If Steps 1) and 2) are done properly, you’ve already given some time for your emotions to stabilize. It is important that you stay as unflappable as possible. High-voltage emotional outbursts can damage the work environment, with all that toxicity. Become aware of typical triggers (words, statements, expressions, non-verbal communication) that pull you into negative states. Count to 10, and breathe deeply before you respond. Give a little time to your rational brain to take over. You’ll manage pretty well! For more ideas, check out my recent article on Emotional Self-Regulation. Click Here

Align for Rapport, not People Pleasing!

You want to be taken seriously, and that is all very well indeed. But don’t take it too far with those nasty expressions. Without going to the other extreme of appearing timid and eager to please people, you can and must find a way to transact this interaction in a professional manner. It is important that effective rapport is maintained. Look into the person’s eyes, and speak calmly. The impact will be far more than those weird neck rotations and shrill outbursts. Be respectful and get on with the communication, period! I had written about “Presence” in my Article on building “Everyday Trust” . Check it out for ideas on building rapport. Click Here 

Keep it Authentic

Once you have the rapport in place, go direct to the message. Be very liberal with facts. It may help if you first let them share their perspective, before revealing your mind. Don't hesitate to acknowledge positives. Maybe they have done a few things right, but goofed up on something critical. Tell them specifically that you are happy about the positives. Now, steer the conversation to the main issue.

Explore on the following lines:

• What was the expectation?
• Where are we now? What is the current reality?
• What is the gap?

It may be a good idea to have the information summarized on a piece of paper or on your whiteboard (if the latter is available). Later in the discussion, if emotions run high, this snapshot can be an anchor point you can come back to!

Once both pictures are out in the open, tell them how it has impacted you.

Share clearly how you feel about it:

Has it made you disappointed, worried, annoyed, angry? Give a label to your emotions, and state it like this. “I am feeling disappointed(or any other emotion) because of this gap <explain the gap with clear facts>". Tell them you are disappointed at what has happened. It is not about the person, but about the situation. Avoid hiding behind highfalutin jargon! Lesser syllables and simple grammar works best!

Note that you are putting the emphasis on how the situation has made you feel.

This is not something they can contradict, as you are only telling them how you are impacted by the situation.

Special Tip: You can use a few moments of silence very powerfully at times. Give a long pause at some places, and then put across the next point even more strongly. You’ll soon realize there is no need for shouting at the top of your voice. In fact, stable speech delivery with some clever use of silence is the way to go!

The keyword to keep in mind is candor. Free and frank discussion of the issue at hand is what is needed. Launching a verbal tirade might make you feel valiant for a short while, but this victory is going to be so pyrrhic and delusional you’d rather do away with it altogether. If you are extremely angry and upset, just say it in so many words, in plain simple language. They’ll “get” it.

Ward off Defensiveness

In spite of taking so much care, people may tend to feel very upset, and become defensive. If this happens, first remember that it is a natural reaction. We may have also done the same in our own lives in different situations. So, first stop looking at them as some lowly inferior beings that deserve contempt! Maybe the person has made genuine efforts and still not succeeded. Or they have not done enough, and the guilt is being covered up by defensive behavior. In any case, do not fall into this trap, and start reacting on the spur of the moment. If the person has actually not given his/her best shot, it serves their agenda to divert the issue and go off on a tangent with you!

Keep bringing them back to the facts and the keep the discussion focused on the issue at hand. More importantly, you want the situation to be retrieved. Refer that sheet of paper or white board in point number 5). You can quickly go back to the facts without much hassle!

Install the Future!:  Outcome & Future Orientation

If you’ve managed reasonably well so far, good! It keeps you both in a helpful state of mind to figure out the way forward. Now, do you see how wasteful it would be if the previous sections were marred by emotional outbursts and one-upmanship? Wouldn't that be setting the wrong tempo when you reach here? After all, you want the best solution to help you retrieve the situation. That ain’t happening with negativity in the air.

Compare the expected outcome and the current reality. Explore multiple ideas and options that can help you bridge the gap. What are the dependencies that need to be sorted out? While you’re at it, it also helps to clearly state the consequences of not resolving the issue. What will happen if this is not addressed? This is where you can state potential consequences clearly. Maybe the issue is extremely serious, and one more mistake could mean many heads will roll. Clarify unambiguously which heads will roll if you think that's important. With so much effort in setting the context, they’re ready for this message at this stage!

For some more ideas, check out my Article on “Engaged Execution”. Check the section “An Engaged Buy-in: Laying the Foundation”. Click Here 

Secure Commitment to Action

Get clear commitments so that they sign up for doing whatever is needed. You may want them to work extra hours, or contact people for help, learn something new… If your discussion is with a peer or even a higher-up, make sure you get written (e-mail) commitments on what will be done to make progress. 

Enable Change: Follow-up Structure

It is also important to agree on the follow-up tracking mechanism to ensure sufficient progress. Be it periodic meetings, discussions, email updates… Ensure that there is a support system that can prevent the issue from falling off the radar. This will also help you watch out for dysfunctional behaviour and take remedies before it is too late!

Congratulations, go ahead and SPEAK WISE.

Systemic Thinking it is!: The Iceberg Model and your Wellness Goals

“Gained another 2 kgs? Now, how did this happen? Never mind, I kinda knew that this won’t work!” Ronit stepped off the weighing scale, the third time since breakfast. More than the snail like progress in the last two months, he’s worried about the pain in his knees, with all that extra time at the treadmill. The lesser said about the diet plan the better!

So many of us who’ve grappled with weight management and wellness woes recognize these mixed feelings in our journey. Some do manage well, whereas a vast majority end up frustrated, as good results elude them. Be it the embarrassing lack of progress, or the inability to ward off temptations and thereby being seen as not in control, and “loss” of self-worth at not being able to live up to one’s promises to oneself. The process of change can be intensely challenging. Why is it that in spite of all the ‘right’ actions, best practices and strategies, getting to the desired outcome feels so harrowing at times? What is the missing link that’s making many “weight-loss” programs flounder pretty quickly?

Even when the actual change process seems so tough, how do some among us manage to stay cheerful and positive? Where are they drawing that inspiration from? What is the source of that ‘little’ extra energy and drive that has made all the difference?

The Iceberg Model from the world of Systems thinking is a fascinating framework to study how people, organizations and entire systems behave and respond to change. It has several applications in competency management too. Let’s look at Ronit’s weight woes using the Iceberg Model.

Typically, we see only a small portion of the iceberg above the surface of water. The bulk of the iceberg remains hidden inside the water. From a Systemic Thinking point of view, human beings are also like icebergs. We have a very visible part of our persona that is reflected in our actions, behaviors and in the results/outcomes that we create. This is what people get to observe. But, there is a much larger part of us that isn't so obvious to others. It is this hidden chunk of the iceberg that usually has a bigger impact on our behaviors, actions and outcomes. It includes the following:

• Patterns and trends that drive our actions and behaviors.
• Dependencies that impact the patterns and trends.
• Our Mental Model (including attitudes, values and beliefs)
• And our sense of Identity

Ronit has been struggling with his weight issues for a long time. His trainers are frustrated at his “lack of discipline” at the gym. His inability to stick to the recommended diet regimen has compounded the problem. Looking at the mirror makes him feel awful too. All those kilos have piled up once more after the recent project delivery at office.

This is the visible side of Ronit’s weight struggles. His behaviours, actions and outcomes are fairly straightforward to figure out.

But, there’s got be a story behind this visible end of the iceberg. Even though Ronit wants to regain his health and fitness levels, what is leading to these poor outcomes? Rather than dissing it as “lack of discipline”, “lack of commitment”, “laziness”, how about exploring the larger portion of the iceberg?

Let’s take a look at the full iceberg now.

It’s interesting when you look at the portion of the iceberg that remains hidden. At the deeper levels, one gets to see aspects of the core personality, v.i.z, attitudes, values, beliefs and identity. Any change process has better chances of success if one gets to work at these layers. No doubt, the deeper layers are tougher to work with too!

Trends, Patterns of Behavior & Dependencies

It’s not that Ronit has been totally unable to show results. His issue seems to be wild fluctuations of weight and other health parameters. Maybe some of it is due to his hectic work schedule and irregular food timings. His wife is equally busy in her career. And both of them are struggling to find time for exercise. Also, the yo-yo swings in his weight and his irregular schedules may have wreaked havoc on his metabolism. He seems to have hit a plateau.

We now have a slightly better understanding of trends, patterns and dependencies. Time to go further till we reach the deepest layers of the iceberg.

Attitudes, Beliefs and Values:

While Ronit does get excited about fitting into his slim-fit shirts, the excitement is tempered by some of his beliefs. Maybe these beliefs are based on his recent experiences. He looks at his seniors in office. Well it almost seems that being out of shape is becoming synonymous with “success” and “prosperity”. Indeed, at times we can merrily choose to see what we like to see! Talk about confirmation bias. “And these diets are tough to follow. Very impractical indeed”. He also believes that so many things are “beyond one’s control”, so what’s the point in getting all so worked up about them?

It’s not as if we’re always conscious about all these beliefs and their impact. Many of us don’t even get time to list out these beliefs and validate the underlying assumptions. So, they often work in a rather insidious manner. Sometimes prompting us to give up when we are almost nearing the finishing line. Like stopping at 80% when all it needed was 83% efforts to make a decisive change in fortunes.

It is possible that in Ronit’s value system, freedom and autonomy are non-negotiable. The military style regimen that his personal trainer has designed for him is totally at odds with that. Do you see the connection now? Some of the “convenient” attitudes and beliefs may have sprung up from this very  disconnect. Imagine instead, Ronit and his personal trainer sit together, brainstorm and identify several options first. Then Ronit gets to pick what works for him and make a genuinely tailored fitness plan. Will the probability for success increase now?

Values, attitudes and beliefs together form the mental model that affects our motivation, thinking skills and thereby our ability to respond to situations.

Identity:

Several versions of the Iceberg framework stop at the mental model of values, attitudes and beliefs. Looking at self-identity may also give us valuable additional perspectives. Our self-image plays a central role in our lives after all. If Ronit sees himself as an “Inspiring Leader”, maybe he might want to be seen as a well-balanced personality that people look up to. Great stamina and energy are critical so that his thinking skills are exceptionally good. Once he sees this larger picture, it may give him that extra motivation to change some of his beliefs and attitudes. As I mentioned earlier, well-thought out change at the deeper layers of the iceberg can substantially and positively impact the other layers. Very often, we spend too much time chasing “efficiencies”, and get absolutely exhausted in the process. That’s what happens if we spend most of our time trying to “improve” our actions and behaviors without looking at the deeper layers of the iceberg.

On the other hand, maybe Ronit seems himself as a cut-throat and diehard perfectionist at work (someone who cannot settle for anything but the most audacious outcomes). In this case, deep down, success in his career matters over everything else. So, even though he likes the idea of getting into those slim fit shirts, his motivation isn't that deep-rooted. You’ll see his beliefs, attitudes and actions will all get aligned accordingly. Maybe he feels guilty when he leaves office after official working hours, and heads to the gym. This “healthy diet plan” may seem like too much of an indulgence. At a “logical” level he is aware of how a healthy body can do wonders for his productivity. How nice it’d be if the “logical” part of the brain was driving our lives more often, isn't it? Well, Good luck to his personal trainer!

So, how does your iceberg look like? What are the outcomes and behaviors that you wish to change? Don't just analyze the trends and patterns that seem to “lead” to these outcomes. Go further and look at your mental model, and also your identity. Yes, the process can be disconcerting at times. Some unpleasant truths may pop up. 

It’s about observing how you feel about yourself during the change process. And that’s driven by your sense of self-worth. Your self-identity. It is also about what this change means to you. Much beyond getting that nod of appreciation from your partner/spouse, and envious glances from others. How has this journey changed you from inside? What have you discovered about yourself and your self-efficacy?

In the long run, it’s gonna be an exciting trip for sure!

Choosing the Response: The taming of a family heirloom!

“No! No! No! Let me say this one last time. This ISN’T(pronounced here as EE-ZZZ-IN-TTTTT….. with a menacingly pointed finger for that extra emphasis) happening; Did you get that?!” Even as she was rolling her eyes and yelling in disbelief, Maya could sense her heart rate shoot up for the nth time. Just like last evening, and the one before that. A small and frail looking end of the crumpled brochure seems to cry out for help from within her clenched fist! With a fair idea how this meeting will go from here on, Rita broke out into a cold sweat, as she always does. More than Maya’s temper, she’s worried how the creative team will take one more rejection. If they’re to hang up their boots at this stage, even God can’t save this project. “How do I get this woman to calm down and have some perspective? In the meantime, can someone get me that aspirin please?”  

Is emotional self-regulation the “new oil”? To merely stay focused and respond effectively to tough situations and trying events. It can’t be that hard, right? 

Well, at least some of these aren't helping for sure: 

• 50-70+ hour weeks at work, the just desserts of life in the fast lane treadmill 

• Poor decision making skills while responding to uncertainties

• Relationship troubles at work and in personal lives

• An epidemic of urban stress and related psychosomatic ailments

◦ A 2015 ASSOCHAM study showed 42.5% of India’s private sector employees suffer from general anxiety disorders

• Road rage in the midst of our never-ending traffic woes

• Rise in suicide rates

◦ Some time back there were reports that Bangalore is the suicide capital of India

• A woefully inadequate social support system. 

In fact, after reading about a recent road rage murder, Rita actually heaved a sigh of relief for life’s small mercies. At least till now, Maya has limited herself to shouting!

So, what is it that’s making it tough for many in our midst (at workplaces and outside) to regulate and channel their emotions for useful outcomes?

The Good Ol' Days

Long long ago, life was much simpler in most parts of the world. During day time, Rita and Maya’s great great great great grandparents had only a few things on their mind. Pick a few nice berries and nuts, and maybe hunt down an animal for supper. And get back to your cave well in time, before dusk. On the way back, they’ve got to cross a particularly dense stretch of forest. An unusual sound here or a shadow there might signal imminent danger. Pretty straightforward choices too. It could be a wild hungry beast or just one’s wild imagination. Not much time for considered reflection though. You can choose to fight or flee, or simply freeze and let the animal figure out what happens next. Luckily, they survived every single encounter like this. As did a small portion of their brain that helped them tide over do-or-die situations of a real kind! They knew that this part of their brain is vital for the survival of their progeny. So, like a cherished family heirloom, it’s been handed down intact across generations, all the way till Instagram addict Rita and Maya who loves her Bloomberg. Let’s come back to it a little while later.

Ever since Prof. Daniel Goleman popularized the term emotional intelligence (EI) in his iconic book, we've seen concerted efforts to raise awareness and competence on EI in the field of education and in the world of business. But, the mainstreaming of emotions is still not as widespread as it should be. Part of it could be due to a near derisive attitude to emotions in many of our workplaces. There’s this mistaken belief that the celebrated trio of “hard” data, information and “cold” logic is antithetical to the “soft” world of emotions.

How can we listen to our emotions and thereby get access to a wider set of data points and nuanced information that our “logical" mind can then act on? In this article, we’ll specifically look at anger, which is one of the most powerful emotions that we experience. Rather than feeling intimidated or embarrassed about it, can we befriend anger and channel it towards better outcomes?

Anger is one of the most powerful of our core emotions. Our reactions to anger can take many forms, constructive and highly destructive. Uncontrolled anger often leads to devastating consequences both for us and others. A cut-throat competitive work-culture, stress and pressures of modern urban life and general paucity of time all add to increasing incidents of “rage-explosion” both in our personal and professional lives. The consequences of this urban anger epidemic are far-reaching. This is further feeding a vicious cycle of broken relationships, increasing stress levels, worsening health statistics, poor and reactive decisions, and even violence in extreme cases. Neither the street nor the cushy boardrooms are immune from this scourge!

The ability to handle anger in a constructive manner is one of the greatest skills that one can possess. The good news is that with some dedicated focus most normal people can work on improving their anger management practices. The idea is not to keep a wide grin all the time, but to recognize we’re angry about something, and then deal with it in a mature manner. So, yes, it isn’t just for the Lamas and monks. So, how can this be done?

This Article presents a 3-Stage Self Regulation process to tame the anger demon!

Regulate ourselves >> Figure out what this is all about, and identify what can be done >> Move towards better outcomes by taking constructive action.

Before that, Let’s look at what typically happens in our brains when we get angry.

Often, the process of anger spiralling starts in the very instant we get confronted by a situation or event or others’ actions. It may get built up over time, and before we realize it, irritation turns to annoyance and anger and finally boiling rage… Research has shown that in the brain we experience an “amygdala hijack” in moments like these. The limbic area of our brain which is the powerhouse of our emotions now springs into action.

This is the area of the brain which prompted Maya’s ancestors to run to safety when a wild beast was spotted. The “fight or flight response” to any likely threat is pretty much sorted out here. This is the family heirloom that we spoke about earlier. And it hasn't evolved much over the years. Spot some danger and it gets its act together in no time.

But what if we hand over our control buttons to this dude even in day to day situations where there’s no big threat to our survival? That’s what we do when we react to simpler situations as though all hell broke loose. Our emotional brain quickly takes over to supposedly “protect” us. The rational area of our brain, the pre-frontal cortex can do the waiting game. This basically means ‘Good Bye’ to reason, at least for a while. In fact the design of the brain is such that signals picked up by our senses can reach the rational brain only after they get to pass through the limbic area.

The rational area needn’t worry; there’s going to be awesome damage control to be taken up in the aftermath of the amygdala hijack dramas! Sometimes, other people also need to pitch in with the processing power of their rational brains for some much needed sanity! Ask Rita after she’s got her aspirin fix. She and her team can write tomes about Maya and her amygdala episodes!

Our post-event rationalization and justification cycles are all part of the damage control. As you can see here, the amygdala hijack is exactly where we start to lose it. And that’s precisely where regulation can do its magic. So, keep reading!

Regulate:

Regulation in this case at least is the first step to liberation! So, how exactly can we allow reason and logic some space before our emotional brain takes over? Be it some shoddy work output, or a hurtful statement, or an upsetting incident. Each of these is a stimulus or trigger that seeks a response. How this response plays out is what determines the quality of emotional intelligence. 

This is where some of the clichéd suggestions of “Count to 10 or 100”, “look at happy kitten pictures on facebook” etc come in handy! What you’re doing is to take up something that can slow down the limbic brain's auto-response.

Maya, agreed that you might not have liked this 7th version of the brochure made by the creative team. But let’s get real here. Is the situation really that awful? And even if it is, will letting your head spin get you the best outcome?

The auto-response is usually what happens without much thought. The liberal cuss-word laden shouting matches, the clenched fists, threatening gestures, and even those celebrated “on the spur-of-the-moment” foolish decisions. They’re all part of the nice meticulous artwork of our auto-response. If we can slow down this rambling monster before it starts its rampage, Boy! Our lives are going to be much better.

Note that. 

Read the Signals

The first step is to recognize that something is making us angry. Get yourself familiar with those physical sensations that accompany or even precede the anger. It could be the first warning signal. Maybe a pain in the stomach, or heaviness in the chest area, or heavy breathing, or a surge of energy near the brain. Recognize some of your warning signals. It varies from person to person.

Stabilize your Energy

And then explore some of these options listed here. If your favourite option isn’t present here, add it in! It certainly helps to work with the mind-body connection. Could get you some quick breakthroughs! The operative word here is dissociation from the drama of the moment. To at least temporarily detach yourself from the “pain” of the situation, so that you can rather associate with solutions and outcomes. Quite often, we spend so much time fighting with the reality of the current situation. By the time we manage to disentangle ourselves, there is very little processing power in the brain to think of any creative solution. Yes, the rational part of the brain runs out of fire-power if you get caught up in the melodrama for too long. Your sugar levels may drop, even as stress hormones like cortisol shoot up. Not the right recipe for finding solutions! Whether you like it or not, the drama has already manifested at physical, physiological and even psychosomatic levels when left to fester for long. Therefore, it makes sense to smartly work with the mind-body connection to slow down the auto-responses. 

Some of the options for regulation include:

• Slow and Deep Breathing: Oxygen has great therapeutic benefits in case you forgot! Maybe even save you from the hassle of doing the rounds of the friendly divorce attorney’s plush office! So, allow that diaphragm to expand.

• Slow down further: Counting down from 10 to 1; or 100 to 1 when we’re angrier

• Shift the Energy:

◦ Get up and walk around for a minute or two

◦ Give a Nice little stretch to your entire body

◦ Grab a glass of water; or make it two!

• Dissociate with a personalized statement: You want the rational control centre to get some time. How about telling yourself something like this?: “Hmmm, it is that familiar sensation again. Looks like I am getting angry, very very angry. Let me figure out why this making me so furious. Let me get working on this” If appropriate, add in a hint of humor too. It’s okay, No one will get to know!

• Play some Mental Games:

◦ Like, Secretly imagine the other person is Donald Duck quacking away to glory!

◦ Telling yourself in your mind “I am good at solving these situations in style” or something to that effect

◦ Or imagining that you’re telling the other person “I know you want me to get provoked and lose it; Forget it buddy, go bark elsewhere; your time starts NOW!”

Pick your option depending on the situation. It is good to have a well stocked toolkit that you can use. Observe others who seem to handle such situations with élan. Steal ideas from them! Develop routines with some of these ideas that can help you stay in this “zone” of “resourcefulness” more often.

Remember your idea is to stay calm and resourceful. Of course, this is applicable mainly for the non-life-threatening situations. Not when the neighbour’s starving dog is chasing you. Deep breathing can wait at times, you know!

Now that we’ve pulled ourselves back from the precipice, its time to figure out what’s really going on!

Figure Out:

Great! We can get down to understanding the situation & identify the best course of action.

1 Get the Facts

◦ List down the facts

◦ What exactly has happened?

◦ Who has said what?

◦ What happened after that?

◦ If needed, get a pen and jot down the events as they unfolded.

2 Analyze and screen the facts

◦ Are you seeing the full picture? How much of it is fact and how much is fiction?

◦ One of my favourite models is the “Thinking Errors” model used in many Cognitive Behavioural interventions. The idea is that we use certain filters to make our own snap assumptions about events, situations and people. While they may help us arrive at quick “judgements”, they often leave us with distorted or generalized pictures. A few are given here. Check out if you’re using any of these filters.

▪ Black & White thinking: Usually goes with absolutist statements like “He/She is always like this” “You never do anything right”…Never/Ever/Always. When you notice this, flip it around and ask yourself “Really, is it always/ever/never?”

▪ Overgeneralization: This is when we take one or two incidents and make blanket sweeping proclamations/judgements. The same question in the previous segment can make an opening. Maybe it is a one-off! Chill!

▪ Discounting Positives: This is when we “conveniently” ignore positive aspects and exclusively focus on mistakes and negatives. Wear the other hat and see if you can at least mentally acknowledge/recognize some positives that are genuinely there in the person or situation.

▪ Magnification and Minimization: We may exaggerate the situation or its negatives mentally. Sometimes imagining catastrophic situations that may not have happened in reality. And getting all worked up about the same. Ask yourself “Is it really that bad?”; “Who says so?” “According to whom?”

The key point here is to avoid denial of the issue, and stop indulging in wishful thinking about what could have happened. A spirit of critical inquiry with a healthy dose of skepticism is good, but not carping cynicism! And a little tolerance for uncertainty may also help you a lot. Replace the temptation to hold on to absolutist positions with a possibility oriented approach. Keep the working assumption that the relationship is to be saved and the pain points are to be discarded. Not the other way round, unless that’s what you want!

Use these insights to update your picture of what really happened. You’ll thank yourself for this!

Move:

1 Identify Desired Outcome

◦ So, the facts and fiction are separated hopefully 

◦ Next step is to identify potential outcomes that you’d like to see

◦ Write down the top 3 things you’d like to see happen; Use the following as a general guideline. Feel free to improvise!

▪ Once this issue is completely solved in the best possible way, what would it be like?  What do I see that will be different? What are the benefits that will accrue? What more needs to happen to make it even better? Is there some way this other person/persons can also feel good about the outcome? If yes, what would be added to this picture?

▪ The operative word here is “best” possible outcome. At this stage, don’t think of the feasibility. Aladdin’s genie is waiting for your wish. Just state it! No, if possible write it down or type it out!

2 Identify Actions

• In order to reach this outcome:

• What actions can I take from where I am right now?

• Who do I talk to?

• Who can help me?

• What should I watch out for?

• What kind of self-regulation can I plan for when I take the action?

◦ Here, again some amount of continuous Self Regulation can be identified as part of action phase.

◦ If the other person(s) is/are again provocative, how can you stay on guard and keep your cool, and still take resourceful action to move forward?

• What is the very first step I can take right away?

◦ Take it and MOVE!

Now that sounds like a plan to move forward! Get going, and wish you all the best.

A Snapshot for your reference is given at the end.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

Buddha