Hear it out… & Express True Power

Sincere commitment and focused attention to hear someone out has the potential to transform relationships, both personal and professional. To accord that level of regard, you’ve got to be someone seriously comfortable in your own skin. Only those with genuinely powerful and strong personalities can pull it off convincingly. The rest can be spotted clumsily revealing their poor self-esteem, prickly egos, insecurities, self-doubts and also giving vent to their neediness in countless ways. Not surprisingly, with a spectacular lack of self-awareness.

True expression of power isn't for everyone. The most important signals can sometimes be inaudible for the clueless! Especially, when we aren't that tuned in to that part of the spectrum where real power resides!

How can we reclaim that power, listen better, and recharge our relationships?

Watch out for your Energy Projection

What is the kind of energy that you're projecting internally and to the outside world? Is it the kind that draws in people to engage with you? And then stay connected throughout the conversation, and beyond? Or is there a hint of disdain, impatience, or some thinly veiled anger or maybe even a sense of trepidation?  

Getting the energy projection right is vital to prepare oneself for effective listening. We can project our energy in numerous ways: thoughts, actions, words, and of course non-verbal signals. Remember, your words can’t do the trick always, as the surround “effects” can reveal a lot more than you thought! Your gaze, your posture, the congruence between your words and gestures… Everything counts! Nobody gets mightily excited talking to someone who looks morose sometimes, at times dull, and often indifferent! We may rush into a conversation, rush through a conversation of even rush out of a conversation. It shows! Whether you realize it or not, it still shows! People are able to tap into this energy with reasonable precision. Somehow, they do get it!

The question is, do you want to be the last person to know?

So, what can you do in order to get your energy projection tuned right?

Start with your Physical Stamina:

It certainly helps to ensure your stamina levels are raised enough to get you perked up for an important discussion or meeting. You might animatedly say that you do look forward to “catching up”. You don’t quite look the part though, when you show up all groggy with puffy eyes, and yawning away to glory. Nutritious food, physical activity, expanded chest, deep breathing and proper hydration are the simplest ways to check in with the right energy, stay alert and stay mindful. As they say in Hindi “Picture Abhi Baaki Hain”!

Well begun is half-done. Let's now deal with the other half!"

Form Emotional Outcomes

How would you like to feel at the end of the conversation? What state do you want to leave the other person in, post-interaction? While answering the latter, keep in mind your objective for the relationship. Do you wish to continue with a healthy & mutually respectful relationship?

How do you wish to come across to others? As a genuine, open minded person keen to establish mutual understanding, and at the same time, knowing when and how to assert? Not in a rush to gain approval from the other person. Of course you welcome the approbation, but don't crave for it!

It is important to know what emotional outcomes you are aiming for, both for yourself and others. That serves as an important sign-post. During the chat, it is possible you may feel agitated, annoyed, or even spaced out. You may feel those familiar sensations that go with strong unpleasant emotions. Before you respond, it is a good idea to check-in with the emotional outcomes you’d signed up for. Get your words, gestures, pauses, expressions, and if possible even thoughts, aligned with this outcome.

Remember, it only takes a moment of indiscretion for the interaction to veer off-course. And nothing worthwhile gets heard thereafter!

Now that our sign-posts are marked out, time to dive into the real action.

Genuine Presence, the Skill that Matters!

How do you demonstrate presence while listening to someone? So that you can listen at all levels. Decode what is said, and what is left incomplete. Read between the lines, but not get lost in hallucinations! Maintain rapport, but also stay grounded.

Again, this is not some wooly headed concept. Let’s see how this can be done. Also, let’s not get carried away by the general feel-good/do-good-think-good tempo of this article till now.

There are good people, and then there are others too. Especially while dealing with the latter, it is certainly a good idea to get a better “understanding” of the person. You’ll get critical insights into what’s driving them… and at times, even some of those chinks in their armor! More about it later in this section.

Ask & Get to Know

An attitude of curiosity and eagerness to learn about the other person puts you in a deep listening mode almost automatically. It is a conscious choice of self-effacement you can make. And, thereafter, the coolest thing to do would be to "recede" into the background. So, for now give up that need to listen to your own voice, and listen in. This is about the other person, and for now stop acting like a narcissistic Diva! Usually, folks who are desperate for some form of acceptance are the ones wanting to draw more attention to themselves. Be aware of the subliminal messaging that you might be doing without awareness!

Wanting to know more about the person, their ideas, opinions, interests, motivations, values, beliefs, frustrations, setbacks, their journey, their victories, their learning, what makes them proud of themselves, their achievements… there’s so much to know about a person… Even if you think you know the person pretty well. People evolve over time. Get them to talk about themselves!  

Acknowledge Similarities & Agreements

The quality of rapport increases when we are with "people like us". So, keep looking for things that seem to be common to you and the other person. Shared interests, ideas, concurring opinions, values, beliefs... There are so many things that may connect you to the other person. There may be many more where you differ significantly. But, for now, keep looking for things where there is agreement, it could be even inane things like "fear of flying", "love for mangoes".... Keep exploring, and as you discover more common areas, periodically make a "casual" mention about it.. "Ohh! You bet, even I hate it when kids keep yelling in the flight". Each time you do this, you're making a small but significant effort to reassure the person, that you are like them!

Of course, it is entirely possible to do exactly the opposite too. You can keep looking for areas of disagreement, and that too strong ones. And throw it at the other person to watch how far they become uncomfortable! You can spoil the rapport in no time!"

Turn OFF the "Know it Already" mode

The other important and related tip is to eschew the "Know it Already" mode. The moment the person starts making a point, we know what they're about to say. Like a clairvoyant, we even "know" what they don't want to reveal. It's time to wear that smug look to convey that "I know", "I simply know it”!

The real expression of personal power is when you do exactly the opposite. Even when you know that you know, you still manage to convince your inner self that “maybe there is a different dimension I might just discover”. So, “let me for a while at least, genuinely look for that new angle, the other variants of what I may only know partly”, for all we know! 

Explore the Thinking Behind the Words:

It can indeed be liberating when an open safe-space is available to express oneself. You can do this by asking open and non-leading questions whenever possible. This will help you discover multiple dimensions and angles, and the thinking behind their words.

Sometimes, they may even surprise themselves with their responses. 

Leading questions are those that are designed to elicit an almost pre-decided answer. It's as if you want to confirm your understanding/biases/assumptions, so you decided to "test" out your hypothesis. Sometimes, leading questions can make the person defensive, and even nervous.

Shhh!  Here comes a secret tip!

Keep the space wide-open. There can be other benefits too. Like, you may actually get people to let their guard down, and "communicate" well. They may end up "exposing" their hidden agendas, lack of understanding, lack of sincerity, obnoxious intentions, and so much more. Pay special attention to their non-verbal expressions and the congruence with what they say.

Ask yourself a simple question: “Did he/she really mean it”? And Keep looking. The eyes convey a lot more than all that platitudinal verbiage! And when you do get a “gut instinct” that something doesn't feel quite right, expand the open-space a bit more, and investigate with that same genuine curiosity and respect!

Congratulations! You may have just saved yourself many a hassle!

Working with Differences, Hot Buttons & Triggers

There are times when differences will crop up. Maybe, they say something that clashes with your values and beliefs, or even opinions. There may be particular expressions, words, terms, concepts, ideas, opinions that make you restless, annoyed, angry, or plain uncomfortable in multiple ways.

The tempo of your responses matters now. This is a minefield, and listening usually takes the backseat from here on. But you can avoid it by doing some amount of self-regulation.

Avoid making snide expressions, making judgmental counter-points, or raising provocative questions, and exclamations. Show them your understanding, and that you 'get it’, even though you may not be in agreement.

Be aware of your trigger points and hot buttons, and train your mind to avoid getting impacted by them. Or at least park your negative feelings for now. Acknowledge them mentally to yourself, and tell your mind you’ll revisit them later. The choice is for you to exercise, and buying time is a cool idea, so your mind doesn't run away with the emotions.

Have a doubt? Keep coming back to your sign-posts, the emotional objectives and intended outcomes for the relationship. And of course, be aware of their own lack of awareness, auto-programmed patterns of speaking, listening. If we can make these mistakes, so can they!

And Watch out! Who is enjoying the conversation BTW?

So, are you thoroughly enjoying this conversation, and feeling like you're having a whale of a time? Good.

This is the right time to get some important bit of understanding sorted out. You can mentally imagine that there's a traffic light that has just turned yellow! Ask yourself this simple question: "Is the other person also enjoying this chat, as much as I do?”

If you can get into the habit of checking in and getting a "sense" of who all are enjoying your conversation, you'll do yourself a big favour. Sometimes, we are so overcome with our excitement, that we forget to notice the subtle, and at times "in-your-face" signs that point to a simple fact: "Maybe, I am the only one enjoying this conversation”.

And that's a good point in time, to go back to the start of this article again!

Tune in, Listen & Express Real Power. And Get used to it!

7 Steps to Building a Robust Creative Visualization Practice

Creative Visualization is being adopted as a powerful mind training method by professional athletes, speakers, artistes, performers, leaders and many others too. Programming our subconscious minds with positive states is fascinating, and has been in existence perhaps for thousands of years, with different names and labels. 

In this article, I’m pleased to present a few good practices and points to keep in mind for those who are interested in developing a robust creative visualization practice.

• Outcomes
• Benefits
• “Being there!” Seeing yourself in the outcome
• Action!
• The Mind-Body Connection thing!
• Doubtful?
• Discipline

Outcomes

That’s pretty obvious, yeah! After all it’s all about visualizing the great results and outcomes that you wish to achieve. It helps to keep a few things in mind.

Make sure you are visualizing about what you wish to achieve, and not what you wish to avoid. For instance, if your goal is to give up smoking, don't visualize seeing yourself discarding the cigarette packs and resisting pressure from your friends to join in for a smoking session. While it is important to discard and resist, you are still picturing what you don't what to be doing. Instead, think about what happens when you haven't smoked for say 3 months or 6 months.

Maybe you’ll breathe easier, your sense of smell might be more refined, your health parameters may improve… Aren't these the outcomes that you WANT? 

Great! Use these images on your “mental canvas board”. You are using the towards motivation principle here. Your motivation is towards the pleasant outcomes. If you keep visualizing what you want to avoid and give up, that defeats the purpose of visualization!

Benefits

In the example above, we have already touched upon some of the positive outcomes that your goal or result will entail. Make sure you spend enough time reflecting on and listing out as many benefits as possible. When you’ve got what you wanted, how does this outcome impact your life? Look at different areas of life: career, health, hobbies, personal growth, family, friends and relationships, finances… 

Some of your goals and outcomes are going to have a positive impact across one or more of these areas. See if you can be specific enough in defining these benefits. Maybe you’ll climb 75 steps daily once your smoking habit is given up, as against 45 now! Being specific with the benefits can also improve your visualizing skills, as your “picture” is now getting clearer.

One caveat though, from my own experience. I’d recommend that start with the clarity you have in the beginning. And then increase the detailing as you keep planning and visualizing! Sometimes, we can get so obsessed with defining targets, that we may opt for fancy numbers and targets thoughtlessly. It may lead to more frustration in the long run, when it’s reality-check time! 

“Being there!”: Seeing yourself in the outcome

Seeing yourself right in the picture of your outcome is what makes your visualization process exciting. And while you do this, don't just stop with you. Add in your well-wishers among friends, family, colleagues and others to the image that you are visualizing.

Who do you want to be with at the time of the “Crowning Glory”? If the goal is about a promotion, you might want to celebrate with your partner/spouse. So don't just keep visualizing the one-one discussion with your boss. That dour picture may not be the most exhilarating one for sure!

What are they going to tell you? What do you think you’d like to say? If it’s an award ceremony, how’s your acceptance speech going to be like? Add in more details about the place, the venue, maybe even your attire! Make it rich and vibrant in color. So that it’s really captivating, and worth keeping in your mind. Your subconscious mind loves all that glitter, so don't make your picture look like a boring powerpoint slide! Go for High Definition, Dot Matrix era is for the museum and the scrapyard!

Action!

Now, this is one area where visualization pros may differ occasionally. Some people say that it’s all about the outcome. And that’s all you need to see in the picture. There are others who recommend that you can make your visualization process a bit more dynamic. So that you can also add in images (not just still pictures, but even videos!) of the journey to the outcome.

The kind of actions you’d take, who will support you, your “special” moves and strategies… I am more inclined to go with the latter group. I’d go for both the outcome and the action phase, and kind of mix and match the focus on different days. Focus more on the outcome on some days, and the execution on the other days.

What I’ve also experienced is that at times, during or after the visualization, some good hints and insights pop up that are useful for the execution phase planning. Maybe it’s the power of the subconscious mind in action, I guess. Haven't analyzed it too much, though! Just stay open to that possibility!

The Mind-Body Connection thing!

Please increase the font of this section if you’d like. We’re now talking about the kernel of visualization… the Mind-Body Connection. Unfortunately a lot of folks decide that “this visualization thingy is not for me… it’s too new-age ish… Not my cup of tea” and give up their practice before it’s properly begun! Well, if you’re going to do visualization very mechanically like watching some dull weather bulletin, you’d better checkout soon.

On the other hand, if you’re serious about visualization, keep reading… If you’re really keen to connect to powerful mental/emotional states, then it’s important to work on getting the mind-body connection sorted while you strengthen your practice. Let me quickly demystify it for you with a few simple tips:

Posture & Breath: If you’re doing visualization in a seated position, it’s best to keep your spine straight. Make your breaths longer and deeper whenever possible. Get these two right, and you set the right tempo for the process, as you’re more relaxed, and your resistance to the images gets dissolved too! You can also visualize in the lying down posture. But beginners may doze off soon, so choose wisely!

Clothing: It’s good if you are in comfortable clothing, and not those super-tight leathers and denims! Just so that you can focus better!

Timing: Any time is actually fine so long as you’re undisturbed, although it’s great if you can do it early morning or before going to sleep. If you can do both, that’s awesome!

Props: Soothing Music, Aromatic candles, Incense… all work great. Eventually, you might want to also give up these and stay with the images and your breath… It takes some practice of course to get there!

Engaging Multiple Senses: This is also a great idea, so you can imagine how it looks, what you’ll hear and say, how it feels and so on… when you’re there in your outcome. Again, it just helps with that mind-body thing you know!  My experience is that it’s also great to focus better. Maybe your sense of smell is unusually strong… So think about how the place smells like, maybe even the cup cakes at the party!

Diet: Light and healthy meals are the way to go. You know the rest! 

So, there you go, get your mind and body to work in unison to support your visualization practice. Now you know it isn't quite as simple as “think and see things, or whatever”!  

Doubtful?

At times, you may get doubts and anxieties about certain aspects of your journey to the destination. Maybe it’s about the feasibility, the support you might get, the resources needed, and so on… the triggers could be varied. And it’s likely that some of these doubts might just pop up occasionally during your visualization process…

Fret not. Avoid the temptation to feel bad that your vision is getting marred. And don't beat yourself up for not “doing a thorough job” at visualizing! Even experts don't ace it always, so relax. One shortcut that I use, is to mentally thank my mind for alerting me to some potential issues, and then in a “friendly” tone tell my mind (silently) that I’ll look into it later, and for now just focus on the process, just for now! Fighting with your mind may not be that worthwhile; Develop a better rapport with it! 

Discipline

Visualization is your tool for embedding powerful impressions and commands in your subconscious mind. Rome wasn't built in a day, and our minds are far more complicated than 500 Romes put together! So, commit yourself to a regular visualization practice. Even if it is only for 5 mins a day, that’s okay. Stick with it, and avoid the temptation to take breaks.

And of course, visualizing alone ain’t getting you to the finishing line. Purposive action with consistency is obviously vital. But as you keep tapping into the mind-body connection that’s integral to your practice, keep an eye for those “unexpected” insights and hints. Keep a notebook or your Evernote app at arm’s reach! It’s okay if you don't get it all sorted every time. But trust me, at times it’s going to be much more exciting than you ever thought!

So, get that spine straight, breathe in… relax… and keep watching…!

Hi There! The Status Quoist Vampire is here

When was the last time you got your Vampire Radar cleaned and tuned up? To get a sense of how people play smart and devious games to keep you stuck in the status quo? Where myriad strategies of clever deceit get unleashed from often unexpected quarters, with ruthless precision and a sense of timing that's just deadly! I call these people “Status Quo Vampires”. Although they have several other laurels too to their credit, we’ll look at this aspect of the vampires for now.

No doubt, having a basic trust in fellow human beings is good. But, surely it also makes sense to avoid giving in to spectacular naïveté? Ignoring subtle, yet unmistakably clear signals can be suicidal, when you're up against smooth operators always ready with an extra ace up the sleeve.

As it often happens, life isn't about neat binaries of good and bad. It is the grey area where the real juicy story often unfolds. When the urge for self-preservation becomes paramount, even otherwise good-natured folks won't mind inhabiting this vast expanse of grey, for a while at least. Keeping your competitors and opponents trapped in quicksand is a strategy that's worked for eons! When power and pelf are at stake, the daggers shall get drawn eventually. Morals and lessons can wait!

Is your radar sharp enough to alert you to duck and cover before it's too late?

Let's explore and understand some of the strategies that vampires use to knock you over with a feather and less! It is fascinating to see how well we can manipulate others by playing on emotions. You might like to believe this doesn't happen in genteel circles. Yeah, Right!

These vampires are all around us. They maybe partners, spouses, siblings, colleagues, “friends”, or even “mentors”. It can be particularly harrowing when you get a part-time boss who’s also a full-time vampire!  

In this article, we’ll specifically look at how Status Quo Vampires manipulate others by playing on strong emotions and states. We’ll specifically look at these three strategies that work like (black) magic:

• Shame
• Guilt
• Complacency

For a change, I wont be sharing tips on how to wriggle out of these well-laid out traps. The idea is to become aware of these patterns. The only general advice is to develop a thicker skin, and train yourself to mentally laugh at the vampires. And make sure to hide those smirks too… for therein lies the hint to a solution, that might just work! We’ll have that etched out in greater detail in a separate article. Keep guessing!

The idea is not to launch a witch-hunt, but to arm yourself with awareness. And to let that awareness guide you.

Shame

Shame and embarrassment can cause people to activate all their defense mechanisms, and clam up big time. There are several situations where we’d do everything in our power to avoid the pain of public shame and embarrassment. Maybe it’s about particular weaknesses getting exposed, or being called out for your lack of certain competencies. Or, being tactful enough to have your mistakes stay out of sight. Or, even ensuring your lack of success isn’t splashed out on “prime time news”! This pain-avoidance of shame is a powerful away-from motivation in almost every human being. You knew it always, didn't you? Your competitors and opponents know it too, and they know how to exploit it “compassionately”!

Vampires are supremely intelligent beings! When the intention is to keep you stuck in status quo, it makes sense to play smart. Exposing you and pushing you over the edge isn't that smart, and they know it well. Because, that opens the field for possible direct confrontation. They aren't that interested in expending their energy in useless struggles and fights, even with "worthy" opponents. They know you can do that to yourself!

They'd rather have you running an endless marathon on the treadmill, in a constant struggle to avoid embarrassment and shame. To somehow keep up the pretense that you aren't getting disempowered. Or better still, get you to do everything possible to stay on their good books, yeah!

To keep you on the tenterhooks, they'll occasionally exclude you socially, and that too in a not-so-obvious way. Denying information can be very effective too, and often easy. So is the case with denying visibility to you, your efforts, and your achievements.

When they know you're craving for attention and recognition long denied, they've tasted blood! Not that they'll block these little indulgences totally, as that fails the smartness test! Once in a while you will get your little mercies, so relax! You get to keep just a wee bit of attention, recognition, inclusion, or acknowledgement, just enough for you to pine for it at all other times!

They'll look through you imperiously, refuse to acknowledge your greetings... even use your first name sparingly, preferring instead a supremely condescending "Hi There!” if that helps!     

And on that rare occasion when they change tack, aren't you feeling so thrilled..."Oh my God, he smiled at me today....Sigh...She stopped by to say Hi...He looked at me, while rushing to that meeting....Good heavens, the tide is turning...or, is it?" The vampire couldn't care less! They have you eating out of their hands and staying transfixed, exactly where they want you to be, the status quo. Why would anyone give up a life of unparalleled ease & comfort, when you're doing their bidding all the time?

Time to traipse around, to unleash the next strategy.

Guilt

Manipulating people into guilt-trips is another smart strategy used by Status Quo vampires. As is their wont, much of it is executed surreptitiously! As soon as you're spotted struggling with difficult situations, it's time to make the move(s)! 

The guidelines are pretty simple. Get you to own up to more than your share of mistakes; Minimize other factors that may have led to poor outcomes; Make other people indirectly "hint" at how you have wronged them or others; "Gently" ridicule/discredit your side of the story as a bunch of bull and convenient alibis; Play the "information rationing" game to selectively "leak out" your weaknesses, insufficient skills, cluelessness, lack of tact, and missteps, while carefully dodging your positives, or in the least making the positives look insignificant; Basically anything goes, so long as you feel inadequate in ways small and big... Well, it can't be that hard, isn't it?

The idea is to keep you stuck in self-doubt, self-blame and self-pity. A time comes when they notice that your confidence levels can't plummet further! Now's the time to don the hat of the "rescuer". To bring out their "magnanimous" side. To "show some concern & compassion", to make you feel indebted to them forever. Grateful that they helped you "arrest the slide"! Grateful that they "helped" you "sort out your life" and retrieve the situation! 

Now, don’t you dare step out of the "status quo” and aggravate the guilt and ingratitude. Stay there!

In fact, the vampire knows how to get you stay a bit longer than you thought… Go over to the next strategy!

Complacency

"Well done, keep it up"! Thus spake the benevolent lordships, and you're all over the moon! Is this chorus becoming too frequent for comfort? Well, you’re on to something big! Welcome to the "Complacency" strategy. Nicely designed to keep you stuck in situations that aren't beneficial for you in the long run. This one is a double whammy, and you'll see how.

The vampire of course, comes across as extraordinarily large hearted, even as you're beside yourself with joy. They'll generously appreciate you so you get stuck doing the same routine things over and over again. 

Often, the generosity is interspersed with other strategies we saw, like shame-avoidance and information asymmetry. So, there is a prolonged period where you're desperately hoping for some acknowledgement and praise, even as you're doing mundane things nobody else wants to do. Very often, you're kept out of the loop and denied access to vital information and updates. And then, the sluice gates of empty patronizing praise are opened, for a while. You're praised for "keeping the show running".  Your rational brain occasionally alerts you to the fact that there is little real progress in your life, in the long run especially.

Oh, come on! Even Keynes was so clear when he said that in the long run we are all dead. So, stop complaining. Go, write Thank You notes, and stay  right there!

As you can see here, the vampires are often very skilled in targeting you when you’re up against tough odds. The really toxic ones are those who do it with least effort, preferring instead to make you do the dirty work yourself!

Although, I am not sharing solutions here, let me just say this before signing off: 

It takes two to tango! 

And frankly, you might still be having options. Let’s check that out soon. In the meantime, look around, observe and become aware. 

And smile… compassionately at them… Their days are getting numbered!

Denouement: with More Understanding and Less Judgement

Another bout of relationship problems? A potentially great opportunity at work thrown away, yet again? You'd seen it coming, did you?

Well...

The ability to appropriately assess, evaluate and judge situations and people is no doubt a fundamental life-skill. But have we thrown caution to the winds, and perhaps worked a bit too hard on our judgement skills? It can be quite tempting to apply our filters, "casually" rush into snap judgements, and "save time", to regret at leisure later.

In other words, are we understanding less and judging more?

The danger of getting ensnared in a limiting worldview is very real, when we let this part of us go unhinged. We can easily misread signals, gloss over vital facts, make incorrect assumptions, allow biases and prejudices to run amok,  and simply pretend that we “know". The other extreme is when we become over-cautious and get into a compulsive “do-gooder” urge to appear “nonjudgmental”. In the latter case, we may get carried away to the extent that even legitimate issues may get ignored, and that too at great cost. Both extremes are fraught with danger. What’s worse, a lot of it happens without much awareness, like some kind of see-sawing auto-programmed impulsive behaviour.

Not that it always leads to poor results.  At times, Lady Luck can be extraordinarily generous. You still manage to somehow make things work and taste success. And that's precisely when when the bigger danger sets in. You're now convinced that the code is cracked, as you really "know it now".

It doesn't take too long for you to neatly slot people, ideas and situations into boxes and categories. A smug self-righteousness of the malignant kind rears its ugly head very soon! Armed with your own formulae and toolkits, you are now a force to reckon with. At least you've convinced yourself about that, and you just can't go wrong. Time to up the stakes and go for the kill with more audacious goals, targets and some more risks too. But alas, not every situation is the same. At some stage, the plans and formulae do come unstuck.

But turning the gaze inward is not the typical reflex action we love, right? Having come this far, it's natural to try flogging the formulae just a bit further. What you haven't noticed though is that the ground beneath has shifted. Years (and more) of skewed perspectives and patterns finally take a toll. This much at least is evident from the outcomes you now seem to be getting. By the time you (if at all) get a sense of the damage inflicted, it's too late already. Somehow the midas touch is replaced by a spell of horrid misfortune, and you're struggling to regain the momentum.

Talking about the aftermath, consider yourself lucky if you can actually get to the stage of genuine reflection of what went wrong. What exactly was the inflection point from where you missed the plot completely? If this exercise is undertaken with honesty and compassion to oneself, it has the potential to liberate your thinking. And going forward if you can manage to keep the door slightly open to allow for a more nuanced understanding, you'd do yourself a big favour. And also avoid overplaying your hand. That in itself is worth its weight in gold!

So, how can we get there?

Acknowledge & Scan the Territory

The most important step is to recognize your own tendency to be extra judgmental. A reasonably clear indication is when you detect very strong negative feelings about another person, an idea or a situation. On a Scale of 0 to 10, the intensity of this feeling might be 8+. That's a good indication that you are in the process of passing "strictures" and "judgements" that may or may not be appropriate. No harm in stepping back, and taking a second look.

An important tip: practices that help you stay grounded in present moment awareness can also give you a better feel for this process. Your internal radar will give you ample signals and signs.

Use this wake-up call to commit yourself to evolving a broader understanding. It’s a great start if you can make this commitment to yourself at this stage.

The Feelings and Concerns

A strong judgmental streak may go hand-in-hand with intense feelings. There are folks who can also do this in a clinically detached (almost ruthless) manner without explicitly displaying such strong feelings. But, there could be more than meets the eye!

So, it is good to examine what lies beneath, and also drives these judgements. As we do this, we also turn the gaze inward for a while. This is not to suggest that we alone are at fault. Rather, the idea is to only gain a wider perspective.

Sometimes, our judgements are an extension of our own insecurities, anger, fears, disappointments, frustrations, weaknesses and unpleasant aspects of our personalities. Some of the judgements are likely to come from our past experiences, and observations we have made. Our prejudices and biases can also lead to unhealthy judgmental habits. Perhaps,  you end up unjustly holding on to a past experience and its emotional toxicity. Or, maybe you feel very strongly that something is genuinely out of order. For example, you have this "gut feel" that someone is up to some ugly mischief. These are the big red flags.

Insecurity for instance can be a tough nut to crack, especially if we like to believe we are "strong" and "unflappable". Or at least project that image to others. Coming to terms with our insecurity can be a scary prospect. What if it increases one's vulnerability? "What if it makes me look weak or incapable”?

Some of your concerns and apprehensions may be valid and legitimate, and maybe these negative emotions you're experiencing are big red flags crying for attention.

Make notes about all these points in this section. Capture all the clues, signals, concerns and insights. Specifically, jot down unhelpful thinking patterns and assumptions that are driving these feelings and concerns.

Know the Pitfalls & Impacts

It is important to have clarity about the dangers of not keeping the judgmental streak in check. List out potential impacts at multiple levels: dysfunctional, defensive and territorial behaviors in relationships, poor collaboration, failure to capitalize on strengths, lack of trust, sub-optimal outcomes… The impacts can be devastating. Spend some time reflecting on these unflattering and unappetizing possibilities.

Two very important questions to ponder over:

• What benefits, advantages and outcomes are you losing out on, by persisting with these judgmental habits, biases, prejudices, beliefs, and dysfunctional patterns?
• How will you gain, by taking a slightly different, or even a radically different line of thinking?

Continue recording your observations, insights and pointers.

Know the Differences

Differences in value systems, priorities, beliefs, attitudes, customs and even approaches to problem solving can lead to poor understanding and low tolerance for diversity. We may end up making generalized and mostly useless assumptions about others.

Here again, awareness is the key to a broadening of mindset. It will not happen overnight. Train yourself to recognize and appreciate these differences.

The next important step is to look for the common ground. A finer understanding of differences will actually help you seek out and define that common ground. Gradually, you’re setting the stage for disentangling yourself from highly restrictive thinking patterns.

Get the FACTS Sorted

You might have surely noticed that a certain process of de-layering has been put in place in the preceding sections. This is the right time to critically examine the facts, and weed out biases, prejudices, exaggeration and all the drama. By the time you reach this section, you’ll be more adept at smoking out a lot of the fluff!

Also, note down facts and data you may have overlooked (intentionally, or unintentionally). This process definitely calls for high self awareness and self regulation. As I've written in other articles, it is important that you don't damn yourself in the process. Instead, start by acknowledging that we aren't perfect.

A few questions to ponder over:

• What am I refusing to see?
• What am I refusing to let go?
• What if my understanding is no longer valid?
• What if my past experience is not relevant anymore?

While you sort out the facts, it is a good idea to examine the vocabulary and lingo used to frame your understanding.

Edward De Bono used to warn about the danger of "word-traps". Words and phrases are no doubt the basic building blocks of communication. But they can also get us ensnared in a very limited understanding of what's happening around us. We may limit ourselves to "look at the world in a particular way". For example, when someone starts presenting a new idea do we hear statements like "That's a brilliant idea, but it's the same as what we've been doing all this while”? De Bono is of this opinion that the killer phrase “the same as” has killed more good ideas than any other form of response!

So, be very mindful of the phraseology that goes with the sorting of facts. I personally recommend using “What IF” and “What Else” instead of “the same as”. It has the potential to open up many possibilities, at least mentally!

Secret BONUS Tip:

Your ability to listen deeply, with empathy and a genuine desire to understand the other person will be a great asset in this quest for a broader perspective. So, take out time to learn and practice high impact listening skills.

The DEAL Breakers

As mentioned earlier, our patterns of judging others can be quite varied. We may also at times become maniacal in our desire for propriety and political correctness. To the extent that you may want to avoid this entire activity of evaluating/assessing/judging altogether. This can also emerge as a blind spot. Watch out so that your earnest desire to appear as “accommodative or inclusive” doesn't lead to guilt-trips and compulsive do-goodery!

Make sure you draw clear red lines and articulate what constitutes a “deal-breaker”. All the homework you’ve meticulously done in the preceding sections has set the right pace for some of this tough demarcation.

Lack of Clarity about “No-Go” zones has the potential to create misunderstanding with hopelessly mismatched assumptions. Sure, these tough conversations for articulating your red lines aren't going to be too pleasant. But you know pretty well that a stitch in time saves nine! So, don't delay the tough conversations!

What you’d like to see

With all the understanding that’s emerged so far, it’s time to define clear outcomes and set specific expectations. This is also the time to commit yourself to meaningful and well-thought-out strategies and actions going forward.

As you shift the focus towards outcomes and possibilities, the diminishing returns from excess judgements becomes all too obvious! And you have a working model now to channel it effectively. You’re not limited by the experiences of the past.

While you’re at it, occasionally do mull over these questions:

• What part of the outcome can I keep flexible?
• What part of the outcome am I open to changing?
• What conclusions have I made from past observations/experiences?
• What is the benefit of looking beyond those observations/experiences?
• What will make me more happy, satisfied, confident, relaxed, and optimistic?
• What about others?

It helps to routinely remind yourself about this attitude of flexibility and responsible openness! You’ll soon reap the benefits of your twin strategy of embracing more understanding and indulging in lesser judgement!