Letting go with grace: Dealing with Relationship Failures and Setbacks

"It's Complicated" for sure: Break-ups, estrangement and separation can often be hard and quite unsettling. That is true not just for romantic relationships, but even for those of of the filial, sibling and plain ol' friendly kinds. Most of us have this very basic need and desire for acceptance and affiliation, and for social bonds. That may even be the case for some who pretend to be loners. A nasty falling-out often leaves a trail of emotional destruction and heartburn, and at times intense pain that can take a long time to heal.

The hurt and pain may get exacerbated by feelings of betrayal, anger, denial, jealousy, hopelessness, sorrow, fears, anxieties and insecurities of many hues, suppressed guilt, embarrassment, shame,  and so many more unwholesome feelings. As I had explained in some of my earlier articles, certain emotions may even get camouflaged in different ways. For instance, a show of intense fury may in fact be a rather lousy cover for insecurity and shame. Scratch beneath a person's sorrow, and you may discover exceptionally high levels of toxic jealousy.

Apart from the immediate emotional turmoil, broken relationships can have far-reaching consequences. The bitterness, if internalized may arouse near-malignant behavioural traits and destructive patterns. It may become tough to build trusting, wholesome relationships or equations with others. Health indices often go haywire with harmful coping mechanisms. There may be knock on effects on other areas of life, especially on the career front. And the damage may not just be limited to the particular relationship that has gone bad. Friends, relatives, colleagues and others are dragged in and out of situations leading to much consternation all around. To hell and (hopefully) back, there's many a journey to be taken!

In this article, let's explore ways and means by which people can cope better. And don't stop there. I'd go a few steps further and urge you to take it as a challenge to discover a new you!

Acceptance of the Situation

We may have embraced technology and comforts like never before in history. But in matters of the heart and emotions, doesn't look like our evolution is something to be particularly proud of!

Failures in relationships can be very hard to come to terms with.

In the immediate aftermath, it isn't that uncommon to see people see-sawing between denial and fantasy. Denial of what often wasn't really that much of a shock; Many of us have seen it coming, but hope and pray for some miraculous recovery, just like in the movies.

Denying the situation altogether, desperately fighting with vital facts and clues,  clutching at the straws and hoping against hope, living in absurd fantasy and near hallucination about likely comeback and pushback scenarios, imagining various permutations & combinations… All this while the relationship is clearly slipping through the fingers.

A broken relationship is often taken as a personal invalidation of sorts. For many, it’s a form of rejection that can be felt almost at a visceral level. Hence, some of these initial reactions aren't surprising.

It’s very easy to say that the sooner we can traverse through this, the better. Yeah, right!

It is almost like an unwritten rule of nature that many things must come to an end, or at least change form, shape, texture and character. Holding on to something that's well past its sell-by date can only stop you from moving ahead. It could mean giving up and embracing the new at several levels and layers.

The key to acceptance is Perspective.

Perspective:

Perspective can be a great leveler enabling us to step back, step out and take a new look at the situation. Once you’ve at least mentally acknowledged the facts, move quickly in this direction. Maybe it is indeed at least the end of a phase in the relationship, if not a permanent rupture. A closure and mental resolution of this phase is important, but perhaps not with anger and hatred? Victimhood and Self Flagellation are options that you can easily fall for. You have every right to feel betrayed, and to feel all those hundred shades of negative emotions!

Accept that there are these warts & moles no doubt, in you and in others too; No one is perfect; Neither you nor them. But, as you seek out a richer understanding, wouldn't it be better not to be weighed down by all this negativity and frustration? You may have loved that exotic and expensive bone china set. Once it's broken, maybe it is better to leave it forever?

Leaving the door open (not what you think!)

At this stage, the most important thing you can do is to take a decision to stay open to revising this understanding and perspective. Know that almost everyone goes through such situations, and you aren't alone. You may not be particularly vulnerable in a peculiar way either. Perspective in the midst of such churn can be muddied, and be aware of this simple fact. There’s no need to rush into any decision to forgive or forget. Just don't give them the permission to put you where you don't want to be!

But get this simple fact registered in your mind, that you’re going to be slightly better off at least, by staying open to revising and updating this picture. If you can manage to leave this door slightly open, you’ll increase the chances for a more healthy form of acceptance.

Understand and acknowledge that it isn't something you can simply walk away from in an instant. But it may not be as horrendous as you imagine either. Also, the acceptance may happen in stages, and may take quite some time to get through. Allow it…

The realization that at certain levels, you are much beyond all this, will seep into your consciousness in due course of time.

Strengthening yourself at multiple levels.

Even as you’re getting to terms with the acceptance story, it is important to start strengthening yourself at mental, emotional and physical levels.

The last is often the most ignored. Take your pick: binge eating, starvation, excess intoxication, “revenge hook-ups with a vengeance”, plain old bottling up (for explosion at inopportune times), drowning in sorrow and neediness, attention seeking tantrums of diverse kinds including subconsciously manifesting illnesses (yeah, it happens!), irregular sleeping patterns and insomnia, mixing with wretched souls who love feasting on other peoples’ woes … There’s a lot that can be done to hasten your meltdown! 

A predictable schedule in your day-to-day life is a great antidote to this one-way ticket to hell. Plan in activities of various kinds that can serve two purposes:

• Keep your mind positively occupied, and away from the melodrama
• Give you a sense of achievement as each task gets completed

These activities may vary from the mundane to the meaningful. Go for a diverse mix, so you don't strain yourself.

The sooner you can install a routine, you’ll find it easier to get your life back on track. It’s not for nothing that the wise folks talk about idle minds and a certain devil’s workshops!

Don’t obsess over predictability alone; Blend in a few juicy bits of the occasional un-predictability too. Yes, not everything goes as per plan, but be open to a few changes that can break the monotony.

Want to make the schedule even more benign and wholesome? Go to the net, and do some research on easy healthy eating options (smoothies, juices, salads, or whatever). Get yourself away from that sitting position, take a walk, give your body a nice little stretch, spend time in contemplation not brooding and self-pity, away from the comforts of that lazy couch… There’s so much indeed that can elevate your mood and energy, and give you that extra bit of stamina. And also, delegate some work to your parasympathetic nervous system, to allow for renewal and rejuvenation. More on that later, in a different article!

Keeps you robustly well toned for the next round of acceptance too!

Relationship with SELF: Grow into the New YOU!

One of the most fascinating outcomes awaits you once you’ve got sorted out with a certain level of acceptance of the situation. This can often be an opportunity of a lifetime, where setbacks and failures are merely treated as temporary landing points, even as you’re poised to take off for good tidings! A few suggestions are given below:

Choose your Desired Emotional Goalposts

As you move away from this situation, it is a good idea to keep in mind how you’d like to feel going forward. The transition may seem next to impossible at times, considering where you’ve started the journey from!

So, what emotions do you like in that (hopefully) near and distant future?

Hope, Optimism, Trust, Confidence, Courage, Focus, Acceptance, Love. Not a complete list. You’ve some homework to do!

Surely, more of these seem like a good idea, even if you have no clue how to get there. That’s fine. Take up any action or activity that can give you even a modicum of experience of at least three of these positive emotions. Maybe, you’ll need to get support from others too, and that can’t be bad either, isn't it? Go ahead, and find out ways and means to get those experiences.

This will also help you steel yourself against harmful emotional states and experiences, insults, harsh words, disrespect, and so many like them! It’s not always possible after all that you’ll be allowed to transition so smoothly into these positive goalposts. Now that you’ve got your ready reckoner available, you’ll regulate yourself and the situation in style!

In the Bhagawad Gita, Lord Krishna tells Arjuna about the need to eschew some of our essential ‘samskaras’ and ‘vasanas' that often hold us back and prevent us from progressing in life. Every step that can take you away from them has the potential to liberate you and make you grow into the new YOU!

Short Term Stability vs Long Term Radical Change

It is also important to note that as you seek to outgrow this experience, you aren't exclusively taking a maintenance project approach to “just keep the show running”! If you genuinely want to emerge stronger, it is important to be open to long term radical change.

The maintenance approach might give you short term stability, and this is of course essential so you don't fall over totally. But, train yourself to take a close and at times hard look at life, your priorities, the nature of alignment to your value system, the very purpose of your life and so much more. Surely, leaving all of them just as they are can’t be the best way to outgrow these experiences?

Remember we spoke about perspective? Well, now’s the time to get to the meaty part of perspective. In your contemplative zone, as you grapple with some of these bigger and vital questions about the direction of your life, that simple statement “I am much bigger than this failure and crisis” acquires a whole new meaning and depth, don't you think so?

Moving from the Past to the Present to the FUTURE

And before you resolve to move forward into those exciting opportunities in the future, imagine seeing yourself in the middle of a long highway, somewhere between the past and the future, and then, think about these questions too:

• What do you wish to take along?
• How would you like the FUTURE to PAN out?
• Isn't it better to pick what's worth defending, and trash the rest?
• And explicitly let go of the hurt and the betrayal, and all those sick feelings?
• And instead make a decision to safeguard your self worth.
• And while we’re at it, how about routinely permitting yourself to enjoy the experiences that you want, and which will take you to a better place/state of mind? 

There’s a limited space memory card after all!

And as you keep moving, there’ll be points of time, when those familiar negative feelings bubble up again:

Time to choose wisely: What to retain and what to leave out:

The positive memories of the relationship (if any), experiences, the lessons learnt (particularly from the challenges, setbacks, failures and negative experiences), the great moments, the achievements, your own growth as a person, your enhanced understanding of situations and people.

On your Memory Card, which memories will be allowed to dominate?

The positive and enriching experiences + lessons and wisdom gained OR the negative and draining feelings, insults and harsh judgements?

The idea is not to forget in a hurry, or even ignore what you went through.

But to choose to load the kind of images and emotions that will keep you in a "resourceful" frame of mind. If the other person had deliberately hurt you, aren't you running their agenda by re-activating and re-playing those feelings of hurt?

The main question is "How can it be done differently”? You are indeed far beyond this, right?

All of this calls for the occasionally quality Me-Time: 

That’s the finest investment you can ever hope to make. The finest strength is what you can unleash from within. Everything else can only be an add-on option. Why do you want to settle for the second best? When, this could be the chance to find out strengths that you never knew existed in you!

So, don’t allow this one area in life to block out all other experiences and possibilities. Take your power, and Exercise your power. Purposely generate feelings of Acceptance, Gratitude, Unconditional Love, Compassion, Forgiveness towards people & things around you, beyond you. Take help liberally from your support system. Appreciate the positives in others too, and pretty soon, it’s more than obvious to you that you’re happening!

Go ahead, and release that pain in style!

Authenticity: Nerves of Steel for the Offbeat Trail

The Mythology of Success

History has often celebrated those who chose to swim against the tide, and win. Folks who dared to play out a different script, with an irreverence for conventions and disregard for conformity. It’s all very well to try and model their method, to replicate their success. There's one trouble though. "Failure" often invites the kind of rigorous scrutiny that'll put even the most sophisticated state-of-the-art microscope to shame.

But we often tend to look at success with tinted glasses, with our confirmatory biases, as though deep in our minds, we always "knew". What ensues is a "canonization" project where the devil in the detail is neatly exorcised! Vivid images of fantasy and reality (more of the former) get neatly entwined. And there’s one more thing that this near "deification" does. It distances the object of adoration from the hoi-polloi, the "rest of us". It is easy now to pretend that their "super-human" or at times "weird and eccentric" abilities are what made it all possible. Something that not many of us are "gifted" with.

While we're at it, let's also qualify this success. The success that I'm talking about here, is not the over-hyped steamrolling, near-marauding kind. Rather, it is an expression of one's potential that leads to a sense of genuine fulfillment. The quantum and size of the outcome is only a by-product, and can vary from the small to the massive. Instead, the rallying point is the experience of getting to this state of fulfillment and staying there. The marauding kind may at times be a bit easier to emulate, especially when one is consumed by a singular obsession to win at all costs. So yes, you can filter out many names from history (and the contemporary world too) with this criteria of success.

Now that we're done with this important cleanup procedure, let's proceed.

Now, take a look at the names that remain. If I were to ask you to figure out their success formula, and the key turning points in their journey, you'll soon crash into a benign wall of mythology! No doubt, this is thanks to the "extra-humanization a.k.a. canonization" process that we spoke about earlier. So, off we go to easily spot some magical silver bullets. Won't be that tough given the scale of myth-making that has taken root.

We've downloaded precious tid-bits and pieces of formula that we can now adopt in our lives. With great gusto we start implementing them, but alas! Somehow, these formulae don't seem to stick that well. We desperately want it to succeed though. As it often happens, the usual grind in life intervenes with "routine" priorities and issues. Before long, we get tired of trying to sustain the mythology. Some of us end up in a spiral of self-blame. What's worse, a few of us eventually defect to the "tried-and-tested blockbuster ways" of the marauding success camp.

Is there a different way of doing it? Also, by focusing on silver bullets, are we missing out on the more meaty (albeit) deglamorized ingredients, that seem to be hidden in everyday ordinariness?

Well done, if you’ve decided to stay put. There aren't many you’ll find with these nerves of steel like you! And there you go, that’s all you need, actually. These simple nerves of steel are precisely what you need, to work with the everyday ordinariness of this journey.

And since no-frills is the flavour of the season, this is also the right time for me to talk about cultivating a relationship of “Authenticity” to oneself. This is not just a potent fuel for dogged perseverance, but is also a wonderful internal compass. An internal compass that lets you confront reality in a very objective manner, with strength, presence of mind, and above all, clarity after shedding “excess baggage”. This internal compass is a vital component of adaptability too. Adaptability to not just get by, but also to dare to step out of the beaten path, when that’s just the right thing to do!

Let’s explore a few practical ways of realizing this spirit of authenticity. There are more aspects for sure. But, in this article, I’ve purposely chosen these four (see below). Shedding of excess baggage is at the core of this authenticity. It allows you to free yourself and avoid getting weighed down. You get to focus on what really matters to get you the outcomes you want.

The alternative is inauthenticity that can be very harmful. Strong emotions and the drama around them together negatively impact your ability to focus on productive actions and choices. You may suppress, deny, or camouflage the negative emotions, but at huge cost. It drains you of vital energy, resilience and  leaves you feeling powerless. Your internal compass is malfunctioning, and it is easy to get your attention diverted and dissipated. The actions you take often produce sub-par results, even with disproportionately high efforts. The resulting frustration can trigger a vicious cycle with more damaging consequences.

Practicing a relationship of authenticity to oneself can be very demanding at times. It forces you to lean in and delve into discomfort, by facing the situation matter-of-factly. It is these small but significant steps and wins (with the pain involved too) that are missed out when we indulge in fantasy and myth-making about “successful” people, and settle for facile formulas.

Realizing the Spirit of Authenticity

Fear, Jealousy, Regret and Image-Trap. These are the four areas I have chosen for this article. Not dealing effectively with them can severely restrict our ability to break through limiting patterns of beliefs and actions. Your risk appetite also suffers enormously. A few quick notes about each of them below. Thereafter, we’ll look at an “Authenticity-Builder” model that is generic enough to use for each one of these areas.

Acknowledging your fears

It can be quite tough for us to acknowledge our fears to ourselves, forget talking about them! The unknown, unseen and the uncertain have the ability to keep us stuck. Fear may sometimes also lead to harmful psychosomatic conditions. Sometimes, we may hide fear beneath faux-aggression.

Decoding your jealousy

Jealousy is sometimes hidden beneath anger or even fake contempt. Admitting to one’s feelings of jealousy can be even more difficult than fear. There is a sense of shame, and many of us will do all we can to hide our envy! Jealousy often stems from comparison, self image issues, insecurity, threat perceptions, and even confidence issues.  

Releasing regrets with grace

Regrets are often caused by expectations that went unaddressed and weren't met. Again a tough one for authenticity, as our regrets when exposed can make us look incompetent, careless, lacking discipline, thoughtless, and even silly at times. Openly talking about regrets is akin to broadcasting our failures and weaknesses. So, it can be tempting to hide it beneath anger and frustration.  

Avoiding the Image Trap

Living up to real and imagined images can be very taxing. Some of us may pull off the pretentious act like consummate smooth operators, but not without costs. It’s almost like living in a parallel universe. Precious energy may get wasted and genuine problems get the short shrift. The cost of maintaining the pretense can become overwhelming at times. 

Options

This is really about spotting the right options, possibilities and opportunities to move yourself forward. Be it fear, jealousy, regrets or even the image trap, what mini or micro change will make it possible for you to get to a slightly better frame of mind, to begin with? What outcomes can you work towards? 

The thumb rule is to acknowledge these feelings, but not dive deep into them. Use them as signals for change. Work with what you can influence, and train yourself to stop worrying about things over which you have no control.

As you start shifting your energy for the better, keep looking at bigger outcomes so that you can maintain the new momentum. That’s the only way in which authenticity can be sustained. Also, bigger and more radical change will need more than simple cosmetic makeovers. You can get more ideas from my article on Systems Thinking. As you work with the deeper layers of the iceberg, there are greater impacts. For example, it maybe an inter-personal issue or something in your organization that needs a drastic overhaul. For this, you may need to identify changes that are inline with the deeper areas like purpose, values, and attitudes, rather than merely changing certain behaviors and actions.

A Spirit of Inquiry, as also an ability to reframe setbacks and failures can also be great assets. You can read more details at “Reimagining the Rebound”, “Resilience”, Spirit of Inquiry.

Capabilities

The unpleasant feelings around experiences of authenticity may also point to the need to deploy some of your strengths that were hitherto not harnessed enough. Or maybe, you’ve got to develop new capabilities and lessen the impacts of some weaknesses.

How about using the negative experiences as learning opportunities, to reflect on skill gaps? Do you think better communication skills can help you overcome these fears? Or maybe analytical skills? When you examine your jealousy, is there any competency that can help you avoid feeling disadvantaged? Do you think you can do with some more crisis management skills? Take a closer look at the factors that seem to cause all that regret.

What kind of skills, talents and strengths will help you bring back the zing?

What skills, competencies and capabilities can take you to your outcomes? A spirit of exploration and an attitude of celebrating one’s own conquests over one’s limiting patterns can be great assets in this endeavor.

Self Belief

Strengthening your self-belief is critical to give you the fire-power needed to get ahead. We’ve already seen how authenticity can be tough for you, especially when you’re nudged and pushed out of your comfort zone. 

Key areas to strengthen include:

• Self Regulation: Focusing on Present Moment Awareness can work great
• Expanded Awareness and Perspectives
• Acknowledgement of positive shifts
• Aligning with your unique and special talents, skills and strengths
• Cultivating an attitude of Optimism
• Enhanced Support System and Leveraging People Networks
• Improving your Self-talk with positive energy oriented routines and statements
• Creative Visualization
• Staying aligned and true to your purpose, values and attitudes.

For more ideas, you may also check out my articles on Optimism, Resilience, Smart Buzz Pack, Systemic Thinking, and Beliefs.

As you can see, taking the offbeat trail will need nerves of steel to stay the course. This is especially so when you stay tuned to your authentic self. The idea is not to blithely mouth platitudes about authenticity, but to do it in a practical, structured manner. Use and enhance the Authenticity Builder framework to do your best in this journey!

Before long, you’ll have your own success primer emerging out of all these rich experiences. Let me know how it goes!

Higher Order Convergence: The Key to a strong Social Support System

Individual aspiration and achievement orientation are being embraced and celebrated by most of our societies, even those that are known for their collectivist orientation. Technology might have brought us closer than ever before. But, aren't we also witnessing a simultaneous re-formatting of social support systems? Changing work-cultures, massive migration, urban stress, spiraling disenchantments of various hues, violence, lifestyle diseases... there are enough indicators that point to an unsettled equilibrium. 

Sociologists (both real and migratory kinds) have advised us that the "breakdown of traditional social structures" is at the root of it. No doubt, it's good to have terminology and nomenclature that gives a certain sense of direction. But isn't there a danger with reductionist name-calling and labeling, especially with over-use? We might imagine that we understand and know what's at work here. After all "breakdown of traditional social structures" has a seemingly intellectual ring to it, is somewhat de-personalized, sounds like some natural calamity that just happened, and so we can all hope that some "nanny state" will fix it for us! While we wait for the doddering "nanny state" to get its act together and also avoid over-reach of the zillionth kind, is there something folks like you and me can do? 

What can we do to strengthen our social support structures that don't look particularly robust at this point in time?

The answer (to a significant extent) lies in nurturing what I like to call "Higher Order Convergence". It of course requires certain skills, attitudes and strategies. The good news is that at least some part of it is simple enough so you can start right away. In this article we'll look at how we can enhance the quality of our people engagement skills, connect meaningfully with others, and thereby develop a strong social support system. I had briefly touched upon this in my article on Resilience. A healthy and vibrant social support system is extremely critical to keep your resilience levels up. This article takes that message forward.

Connecting at the CORE being level

What is the quality of connection that you are seeking with significant folks in your social network (not facebook!)? Higher order convergence requires that we start relating to others (at least a few selected ones to begin with) at some or most of the following levels:  purpose, values, beliefs, strengths, talents, potential, dreams, aspirations. Together, they constitute the core of our being, the fuel that powers our quest for fulfillment and even self-realization.

No doubt, with some people you may experience this level of inter-connectedness by default and without much strain, and that is great of course. Now, spend some time to scan your network of folks you think will lift your 3 AM calls. With how many of them do you see a close alignment in terms of purpose in life, of a higher ideal that inspires you from deep within, no matter what's happening in your life at the moment?

What are the common values that make an association feel so natural to you? That draws them towards you, and vice versa. What are their dreams and aspirations that's got you fired up as well? How do you relate to their special strengths and talents? Do some of these complement your capabilities and skills? Wow... that's a lot of homework and thinking indeed.

To begin with, bring to your mind the three most important folks in your network as of now. Find out details about their life's purpose, their core values and beliefs, their strengths, capabilities, ideals, aspirations and dreams. Just getting the awareness itself can be a great start. There's so much more depth that you can bring into your conversations with this understanding. As you keep further mining this information, it can also open up possibilities for greater engagement. Wouldn't there be some way in which you can contribute or provide a helping hand? Maybe connect them to someone who can help further?

Now, as you look at your own purpose, are there new people who can be brought in to your network in the near future? What needs to change, so that you can get some solid support? The stakes are pretty high, and it makes eminent sense to have this core level synchronization established.

Habits to Nurture the Higher Order Convergence

Now, let's look at some of the habits that can help us sustain and nurture the higher order convergence that we have established.

Schedule time

There is no shortcut actually to spending quality time with people in order to develop a higher order convergence. Make time-boxes for important folks in your network, even if your schedules are too hectic. No, retweets and favoriting or likes and shares on social media don't make the cut! We’re talking plain vanilla one-one communication (phone or video calls are okay if face-face isn’t possible).

To start with, can you keep aside 30 mins a week to stay in touch with the three most important folks in your network? That works out to a mere 10 mins per person! Start with 10 and slowly increase the duration. If you've done a good job connecting at the core level, it won't be that tough.

Understanding, Listening & Empathy

How do you move beyond tick-boxing, and ensure that you and the folks in your network excitedly look forward to every interaction, even if it is as short as 10 minutes, or may be much longer? Good ol' Empathy and Understanding can certainly help. 

Here’s a SECRET tip: Reduce your transmission and opt for increased reception of signals! Listening without hidden agendas can be a great start. This will also help you gain more insights into their journey, as they pursue their dreams. Later, you might want to reflect and connect the dots with your own journey. The process can be quite rewarding when you eschew the drive to look perfect, and don't hesitate to occasionally look at things from their perspective too. Try out their "glasses", and see if you too can see what they're seeing.

Don't worry; This isn't a one-way traffic. As you display sincere eagerness to understand, listen and empathize, you can rest assured that it will be reciprocated. Imagine how beneficial it can be to have someone hear you out patiently, and that too, without snap judgements? As they seek clarifications from you, you're also amazed at what you learn, by listening to your own words and voice! That's when you realize that higher order convergence indeed has the potential to transform your life.

Openness & Disclosure

Your typical sanitized and corporatized language doesn't achieve much by way of convergence, forget higher order! The language of engagement needs both the dissonance and consonance of authenticity. A measured willingness to be open about your vulnerable side, your concerns, and fears signals openness, and fosters trust. Without the latter, you can keep preening and pretending about convergence, and achieve precious little. Of course, it takes a lot of courage and oodles of encouragement. Others will play ball too!

Live Wires, Hot Buttons and the hidden mines!

While authenticity is indeed great in convergence, don't overdo it in a brusque manner. We all have our live wires and hot buttons. Develop an understanding of triggers that can tick them off. Misplaced candor, sarcasm, nit-picking, obsessive scrutinizing, biases, prejudices, unwillingness to let go of control, one-upmanship, magnifying mistakes and misdemeanors… There are many ways in which you can create unbelievable levels of hostility!

Make sure that you don't step over the mines mindlessly! It is human to err, and to go a bit wayward occasionally. Just remind yourself about the core level connection that you share with your fellow network comrades! That'll help you stay focused, and avoid getting side tracked in pointless disagreements and useless arguments.

Use the common sense filter a bit more often! Intuition and gut feel are good inputs. But, keep looking for data, information to validate these. Intentionally train your mind to develop a wider perspective about them. Be open to challenge your own assumptions and beliefs about the person. You may or may not be right. Just be open to both possibilities!

Strengthen your core identity & being

Most sorted people want to connect with others who can inspire them in one way or the other. Don't get intimidated thinking this is only for those  extraordinarily gifted prodigies! The trick is to allow your big strengths and special talents to blossom and make you stand out. Integrate these as rituals in your daily life, and very soon the change will be noticeable. It maybe your time management skills, or your commitment to a fitness routine. It could be your skills with powerpoint presentations or spreadsheets.  People soon "sense" a certain magnetic appeal that makes them gravitate towards you.

Incentivize collaboration

We don't live in an ideal world. Self-interest is the most abiding interest of all! Sometimes, you've got to create specific and explicit incentives to foster collaboration in a spirit of give and take. So, if you want someone to spare their ten minutes for you, make sure they see and appreciate the benefits. This is especially true in professional relationships. Not that you want to get obsessed about it and appear as superficially transactional. Make the take-away worth it. That's all.

A secret tip!: Everyone likes it when their vital interests are safeguarded. A takeaway that help them connect to their true potential also works. See if you can design the incentives accordingly.

So, it is obvious that Higher Order Convergence has the potential to transform the very experience of life and the pursuit of fulfillment. It is important to anchor the connectivity at a core level with key members in your network. Expand the network to bring in people who can take you to the next level. Keep returning the favour. It works most of the time. And above all, it’ll be great fun too!

So, let us get together and keep winning!